CHECKLISTS, PRIORITIES AND BROKEN PROMISES.

Hi Guys,

Boo!

This blog offering will be very different to all my past blogs.

This one will be about my coming to terms with literally everything.  Hence, I must forewarn you that this one is much longer blog than most that I have written in the past.

To blog or not to blog?  That is a good question.  Why blog?  Blogging has helped me enormously. I did it to motivate me, which it did, but has given me so much more.

Some of you have joined me on the way and others come and go.

Above all else, I would like to think that it has been at least useful to a few of you.  This 'stuff' issue is truly world wide.  Some of the countries that have viewed this blog has been amazing.  For a 'taboo' subject it certainly has had a few people read it or at the very least look at it.

To any newbies, welcome to my blog that really is about hoarding and my attempt at taking the shame away  or at least the sting from the subject.  Just that today I shall be dealing with the topic in a different way.

As this will make references to events in my life, I must add here that these are my memories of what took place that brought me to this point in time.  They are purely my thoughts and feelings only.  This is about my coming to terms with my journey thus far with what happened around me and to me.  Another disclaimer will be that I have added an enormous pix, photos and slides and have not idea how this will look when I 'hit' PUBLISH!  The writings could go all out of whack from the corresponding slide.  If it does, I hope you enjoy the fun and games in making sense of it all.  I am sure you will follow the thread easy enough.

Well, back to the now.

Now, got through the horror days of study plus more of my year spent on long personal deep reflection.  For almost 9 months this study hadt been one hellish day after the other.  My stress levels were through the roof and truly there is no need for that if you ask me.  Not like I was curing cancer or anything as important as that.  Going by the way the Trainer carried on one would have thought so.

But am predicting brighter days ahead.

I must take this opportunity to also advise that this particular blog is going to be of a more personal nature, andI have included a lot of quotes and sayings that I have been collecting for some time in correlation to certain events. Many of the quotes mean different things to me or evoke a feeling of inspiration or comfort.  These are not directed at any one person, event or moment in particular.  They could cross decades and those involved no longer living. For some quotes, it may be only part of the quote that I quite like, but not the whole quote. These are literally a collection from over the years that I am sharing here, as I like them and have helped me nut things through and adding them here as they may help others. Some may relate to many or all, but I am sure most will see much for themselves when reading them.

There are many ways in when we find ourselves after a random set of circumstances take place, and for me over a period of years with some from before I was born, in particular out of my control. Depending on what tools you have at hand, your age and health at that time will also depend on how best you are equipped to handle said such circumstances as and when they unfold.  On reflection, in my case, most of these 'moments' could not have happened at a worse time in every way.  Mentally, physically and emotionally.

Those who find themselves head deep overnight in 'stuff' can be daunted and overwhelmed at the best of times, but for me, it crippled me in every way.  I have done my level best till now to get through my 'Mt. Everest of stuff' and even though I have gone through two thirds so far, I still feel that if the earth opened up and wanted to swallow me I would not fight it.  I will say that in correlation to the study that inertia was dangerously setting in.  Nothing had changed.  Better still nothing appeared to have changed.  I still live in a constant whirlwind of perpetual mess.  It has been nearly seven years since I inherited this Mt. Everest and am spent.  I am out of puff.   I am tired.  I need a break.  Which I could ill afford, but had it any way.  My breaks have been few and far between and being that I was at breaking point there really was no option, but to stop for a moment and unfortunately, go further into debt. Otherwise, I am not sure what would have happened.

The years of slog have taken their toll and I have to admit I was spent.  I was a broken woman.  Nothing left in the well to draw on.  Hence, why that break was so important.  Shit, more like imperative.






I hid it well and some times even forgot for a minute or two behind a smile.


















I was constantly working towards this and instead kept on rebounding back to what I had due to the mountains upon mountains of more 'stuff'.  My vision and reality were not coming together very fast.








There has been so much done over the last 6 to 7 years and I know I keep saying this, but it felt like the 'stuff' would never end. The 'stuff' got the better of me psychologically.  I venture that at this pace I have another year or two to go to get to my 'vision' matching the 'reality'.  It is always nearer to the end of any marathon that we feel depleted and at our lowest.

Time to hit the panic button and scream to the heavens above.

Any release would do.













Having had that break means I can now finish my personal marathon of 'stuff'.  Having worked through all that was bugging and hurting me I can now move forward.

This is my mantra now in order to help me get to that visualised finish line.

This is another time when those who are dealing with what I am dealing with can more than likely fall down.  I wont let this break me and I wont let this get the better of me and I will finish my promise to my Mum before I die and get to enjoy it for a while instead of 'cark it' the minute I am done.

My big sis also asked a promise of me, but will be a lot harder though.  I hope I can, but time will tell.  If I get that time that is.

I would like to at least honour one.

These next two charts are meant to be helpful.  I don't know what you think, but the first one just looks like a mess, whereas the second one is much simpler in its presentation.

Thoughts play a big part in this process and if they are having the negative kind then you are bound to fail.  Best push yourself into making the thoughts and mantras along the lines of a positive nature.  It really does work.

What came out of that mini break was is also what this blog is all about.  We don't always know what it is that holds us back immediately.  Fortunately, I kept searching.  If you can unlock that, then a few of the pressures lift from your shoulders that then sets you on a better path.  Early days as yet for my discovery, but I feel that I have finally removed that brick from the wall that had been blocking me for some years now in all areas of my life.

This is about my journey.  For everyone else it will be different, but the end result that one still strives for is to be able to keep doing rather than give in.

All I had to do is find another way to get my promise completed and the checklists will help me along also.

I just have to not forget to 'breathe' and visualise where I eventually want to be.

Looks nice eh.  I can see me running along the hills like in 'Sound of Music' with a piece of material singing my lungs out!  Very dramatic.

Having this time has been invaluable to no end.  It is strange that one day you cannot place your finger on what is at the heart of the problem and then viola the next you some how in your heart and soul you do. Maybe my angels are looking out for me.





One of the feelings that I believe now to be more destructive than helpful is that of 'expectations'.  Even William Shakespeare came to the same conclusion.  Rid yourself of that and you rid yourself of a whole lot of hassles and a host of pain and hurts.

I decided to 'rise' to the occasion rather than 'run'.  But, boy don't think I didn't think about it.






This is the other part I grappled with and that is I so want this chapter of my story to have ended now that I jumped the gun by wanting it to be okay.

It is not.

Simple.

And I just have to be patient and keep on going till I get there in the end, hook or by crook.



The only way for me to achieve that is by keeping an open mind.


Suffering does change you.





So in light of that last quote, I am gonna' spread as much happy and fun glitter around as I can.  Any cranky bums out there beware or be square.

I have gained 'much' by this journey, but I have lost 'some' along the way.  With the quote below it is not about the 'stuff', but more about the people who matter in my life.  I do not take friendships lightly and am extremely loyal, so when I see one disappear or float away, it makes me incredibly sad.  This is when my Scarlett O'Hara comes into play and 'for tomorrow is a another day'.

None of us know what the future will bring.






                Carpe diem.  What will be, will be.





Mother's Day here in Australia not long ago.  Such a nice time to take in and reflect on all the work one has done and live to see the results and ergo ~ rewards that no one can measure.  My cherubs have been a total delight and we are growing stronger and stronger as a family unit every day. Don't get me wrong, we still have our ups and downs, just that I can see more happy times ahead for us for a change and that is nice to see that the landscape of the past is now changing for the positive and well away from the negative.

It is all about family.  You have to want it.  And those that don't you cannot help.  They have to come to that conclusion themselves.  And when time runs out that is when it smacks those right between the eyes.

A storm cannot last forever I was once told by some one I considered to be a close friend.  I love them dearly still, but again you cannot make a one stay.  That is there decision.  This first photo is pretty much what I have been going through for some time now, around say 30 years and working on change.

Finally, I am happy that I have surfaced once again here on my blog.

For me a decision had to be made about all the things from the past from the last 30 years that kept upsetting me and caused an ache in my heart, as I had vacillated long enough and had to put it to bed, before it was too late, to either 'jump' or 'not jump' into the unknown of what was left of my life and final chapter.  I was tired of living in this perpetual merry go round that I now find myself on.

Have been busy for the last 2 months since the studies finished and haven't had time to post. Have gone to start every so often, but really had not much to report or impart.  However, that in itself says a lot.  I had been struggling for so long about so many things and even though I am not 'perfect', I try not to harm or hurt others, nor do I want the same in return and had a few such moments over the last year that I was still sorting my feelings through.

Writing this all down is very confronting as well as personal, but I feel in order to do this blog justice it has to be the whole journey that I impart to make sense of what my findings are along the way while in the act of purging and what it takes to get there, which is all part of it.  No matter what happens, going through this was always going to be tough going and uncomfortable.  I just have to stop what blocks me and the brick walls and plough through that barrier.

Boy, can I relate to that cat in this jar.  This is how I feel some days.  'Got myself in, now to get out!' Says it all in a nutshell.

This one I just like and live by when possible.
Apparently I do loud very well.
So I speak loud kids!
Get over it.

Life as we know it and we have well and truly established, is far too short to suffer the small stuff. And in my case my 'stuff' was massive and it is now on it's way to becoming smaller.





Life will have it's multitude of 'twists and turns', 'up's and down's', 'forwards or backwards', 'backflips' and in my case 'no time to scratch myself' let alone do, think or feel.
                                                                                               
As for the heading of this blog ~ Checklists, Priorities & Broken Promises, that is due to what I have been through and experienced over my years.

Due to coming to terms with the past and can now better decide where this next chapter will head. Resetting my priorities was of the uppermost importance.   I could put my matters back in order with me at the top of my own lists.  Woohoo, now on top.  My son is now in his final year of school studies and after that I will be free to do as I please. I wanted to start now so that I could take full advantage of my free time when it came.

Trouble
is
we
never
know
what's
next
or
how
much
time
we
have
left
on
that
ledger.












I have made Checklist's of what needs to be addressed.  I have endeavoured to Prioritise that list with my needs in the spotlight, but that is not always possible, so still have to remain flexible on that point. As for the Broken Promises, well, that is more about me finally placing myself first without feeling guilty about it.

Notice so far relatively little has been said about the 'stuff'.

But, the 'stuff' is always ever present and I have had to leave the physical 'stuff' on the back burner for the moment and 'not' feel as I stated before, guilty about it.  Time is needed to get myself sorted first to get that next lot of 'stuff' dealt with.  And I cannot do that if I am a total wreck physically, mentally and emotionally.  It just wouldn't happen.  So the broken promises are more about me and the fact that I haven't achieved all that I had wanted to by now.  However, on the positive side, I have achieved so much to get this far with little to no finances and most importantly and bloody gratefully, help from some of my friends scattered along the way.  And you know who you all are.  And I am talking about the last forty years of help, assistance and utter support.  Rowville Removalist's and Trailer Hire being one!!!

As I said before, I have finally finished the said 'horror' studies and am still waiting for the Certificate to arrive in the mail. Then came Easter, of which, I took advantage to take off to Sydney for a mini 'mental health' break.  It is now upon my return that I have hit the ground running once more in pursuit of work and looking into my health in a more serious way.

I was completely shattered in every way when I finally finished the studies.  This particular course was a minefield of politics and clashes of controlling petulant personalities and yet I managed to get through with several of us learners supporting each other.  Due to the sheer exhaustion I felt, I just couldn't even deal with, let alone look at and do anything about the 'stuff'.  As far as I was concerned at that moment in time, the stuff could go 'get stuffed' so to speak.

The break was just what I needed to recharge and replenish to get back on track.  I also wanted to make use of my car before having to sell it to keep the homestead.  Now after the 'Budget' that is definitely on the cards.  I did it on the 'never never' and I knew that it was fraught with financial danger, but if I didn't go, then I would not have been able to pick myself up again either.  Some times you just gotta' do what ya' gotta' do!

The trip there and back, due to driving on my own, had to be done over two days, with a stay over in Albury, there and back.  Again, a cost that I could not afford, but hey I would rather get to my destination alive than the alternative.  I stopped when I was tired and took as many 'nanny' naps... as opposed to 'nano' naps... I needed along the way.  My friends in Sydney who were waiting for me thought that I would never arrive.

I could not have had a better place to stay.  It felt like my personal resort.  My gorgeous friend fed me, watered me, supported me and took me places that were very scenic and beautiful.  It was perfect.  Last time I was there I got to see the possums and this time seemed to have a bird theme going on.  I didn't have to rush.  I didn't have cater to others needs.  I could do as I pleased.  Such a tonic it was to my body, mind and soul.  My mini sanctuary, which I called my Double D Ranch and Health Resort in the end.

This is what tranquility looked like.

DD Ranch Health Resort.

DD Ranch Health Resort looking towards the National Park.
Just beyond this area is a gorge with a river running through it.

These guys are thriving.

Mr. Bush Turkey

View to Manly from the entrance of Burnt Orange Restaurant. 

The kookaburra photo was too blurry to share.  What a shame.

I didn't realise it at the time, but this journey led me to embark on a hell of a lot of soul searching being that I had this alone time and has come up with some surprising results and revelations, with a calm I have not felt in a long time coming over me.




The quote below was one I did for most of my life, which was to hold on for dear life in the hope of things getting better and only of late seeing the pattern of time and in what and how my attitude has played a part in that.

The one thing I did get to do, was to go and see and be with my beautiful big sis, out at her grave site as well as her first born daughter.  We used to tend the grave every so often together over the years after her daughter died in an horrific car accident as a toddler under tragic circumstances.  She made their plot with a Japanese feel to it.  My big sis never got over her survivors guilt.  Fortunately, she was blessed with another daughter whom was the center of her universe.  I got to spend some peaceful time while there and felt my energy replenish just by being near her.  She is in such a tranquil spot that it really was warming to my soul.

LHS - together at her Christening.
RHS - together now.

It has been 5 years now and I had been missing her so much in this last year that all I did was cry most nights and days.  The visit did me the world of good and I now feel more settled within. I still miss her madly and no more constant tears.




My sister, my angel.

I now feel equipped to start my next chapter and leave most of the sadness behind.

It was at this point I had an epiphany and a rather big one at that.

A turn of that corner, bend in the road or even finally reaching that summit.

One of my many things on that checklist was to see all the people I have been wanting to see in person and never get to visit due to time constraints or the opportunity just goes by the by.  I have now been working my way through this long list slowly of those to see and what fun I have had.  The chatter, the laughter, the banter, the solving of all the world problems and just being together seeing each other face to face for a change without the din of loud music in the background halting all conversation or the waiting for the response via the keyboard.  It has been pure magic.

I highly recommend it.  Really good for the soul.

I have a few friends that have the same issue regarding 'too much stuff' as I do.  I started on this list a month ago and one particular friend that I had never been to their home before, kept saying their place was a mess.  Well, that could not have been further from the reality.  Wow, there was hardly any mess. All I could think was 'if only I had such a mess, then I would be almost finished with my sorting'!  It was more renovation that got in the way.  Any reno can do that.  And when one is renovating and living in it, well, kudos to those that do as this is a hard thing to do.

I say this as it has mainly due to perception.  We, ourselves, will feel one way of what we see and yet another wont see it at all the same way.  This home was warm, inviting and interesting and still a work in progress.  I am still at the stage of getting rid of the 'stuff' and not even at doing fix ups, let alone any reno.  Having said that, the renovations are being done slowly and that can make one feel like you are truly living in limbo.  The home is small with no garage that does hinder one's progress and impacts greatly on how one can deal with the situation as time goes by. With limited funds, one is also forced to wait for long periods of time between projects in order to get to the next step.  Unfortunately, others can see this as 'not doing anything'.  But nothing could be further from the truth.

I loved what had been achieved so far and they gave me hope and inspiration about my own situation very much so as they had less room than me in some ways.  All relative really.

Another thing on my Checklist is I plan to going to the Sunday Markets to sell some wares'n'tares once more so need to sort, mark and choose a day when there will be no rain to purge again.

While I was up in Sydney, I only saw a few.  My main reason for the break was to rest and recoup.  My situation with the 'stuff' is not unique and many of my friends have found themselves with too much 'stuff' also and not enough area in which to comfortably deal with it without it affecting one's day to day living.  One such friend has much in storage far away and due to that means it can only be dealt with slowly, which drags one down and on top of that is a continual drain on the finances regarding that storage.  But little can be done when one has time, work and health constraints to deal with, let alone distance.  Another just doesn't have the space to start with and also has much in storage and lord knows how this friend copes, but does.  I admire them both and wish I could wave a magic wand over all to have our 'stuff' woes to be fixed once and for all.  Sounds nice even if it is just a wish.

I have hit the ground running upon my return and seeing my list of friends is my continuing fun and good feel time.  Certainly helping me stay positive and on track strangely enough.  Whereas, the serious side of looking for paid work has started in earnest and have already had an interview and waiting on the outcome.  I am still sending out CV's until I get the call saying, 'You have the position'. Till that point in time, I keep on looking.

Then there is my health that I am now working on.  I started these 'Pain Management Stretches' that were shown to me while at the DD Ranch and Health Resort.  Very practical and very much appreciated as shown by my friends house mate.  I have also just seen a dietician to look into the foods and what I can do to reduce the hidden sugars and as much fat from my diet.  I will be following up with a few friends who are going great guns with what they are doing and garner some good information from them also.  I am introducing things slowly, one at a time, as I do not want to fail, yet again.  The impetus for getting this sorted now is that my daughter is getting married next year.  I mentioned this in the last post and I need to look nice for that photo for future generations in mind.  Boy o'boy do I like this being on top of my own checklist.






As for the 'stuff', well, the 'stuff' is still there and will be until dealt with.

I have these first 3 priorities as follows:

1 - Gain a paying position,
2 - Get with the programme of rekindling nutrition and movement as a habit, and
3 - Keep on getting the 'stuff' out via market or other methods.

Each one involves a lot of work, but I do not have that luxury any longer to work on one at a time. Time is fleeting.  And I need to get a jiggle on.

Now I mentioned an epiphany and what an epiphany it was.  Let the sunshine in.

Onto the next part that quite frankly, very scary and extremely confronting.  I have found if I let it all hang out and talk about the very thing/s that has power over me it then deflates to no power once exposed.  So this is my expose'.

Normally, we do not speak of such things.  Uncomfortable topics are just that ~ taboo.

For me, this discomfort only came from a few family, one ex, two friends and two cohorts over the last 30 years.  Now that I have finally decided to deal with it all, especially this last year and had my what I am now calling my 'Oprah' moment I can now put it all out into the Universe, once and for all.  Over these last thirty odd years, some have gone from my life, some have come in, some have come back and sadly, a few have passed away with one that I only found out about recently.  To hear about a passing of one you loved six months on is indeed filled with sorrow, but even more so when you realise the news had been withheld on purpose.  The moment I knew that once again that I had been left out in the wilderness I had nothing but sorrow and complete utter sadness about it.  Nothing.  I just cannot be like that and the one who had was going down the murky track that I was made to promise to halt.  I have to believe that time will be the teacher here as that door is bolted shut for the moment in my direction.  The winds of change cannot come soon enough or will they.  Somehow, I feel this lesson will be a long one.

Again, I will reiterate this is more about me than others.  This is my conclusion and does not reflect on any one person except myself as to how I can now better deal with what is around me.

If this sounds preachy, well that is not my intent.  But I still have to be mindful.  My truth is not necessarily another's truth.  Just had to add this photo for effect.

Life is certainly not smooth sailing nor perfect and neither am I.  Life has thrown me so many curve balls one on top of the other in constant succession that I was quite literally caught off balance.  I am essentially a strong person, but even this was more than I could handle or take and survive.  It has taken time and many many lessons done over, that I know in my heart and soul, I will be able to deal with any future such destabilising events that are sure to be thrown my way.  That is life. There will always be good times to balance out the bad times.

I have taught my children many things over and over again with this next quote being a constant. To follow their gut feelings and when in doubt take in account what has the situation shown you and to go by that than what has been said.  My radar complete stuffed up around the time when my Mum and big sis passed away and over the years only a few have gotten the better of me.

Once, I took things into bite size manageable chunks to deal with, that was when I started making traction prior to my revelation or epiphany.  It didn't happen overnight and nor did I expect it to as I gave myself time in order to get to my goal.  Since then, as in this last year, I concentrated on the basics and that was repel and remove any thing or any one (including the few that got past me) that were negative or toxic to my family and personal well being.











































Now that I have come so far I know I wont ever again get so stuck!

To those who ignore family, I find that incredibly sad as time really is finite.

A certain section of my family, one particular person in mind, chose to alienate me since Mum passed away, which is now over 6 years ago.  I mention it as it was an active onslaught to get me to agree to something that was not mine to agree to and actively did every thing to coerce me to do so and hell yeah, it was bloody awful.  Threats usually are.  And it bothered me.  I didn't acquiesce.  But it sure as hell and made matters worse with my health. This is part and parcel to my journey and has affected me greatly which was their intention.  I am not sure if they have thought of how this affects the children either.  Collateral damage to them I suppose.  Or just simply unaware.  My one big sis used to say the other sis was blinkered and clueless.

I have never been one to pretend.  If there is an elephant in the room, why not address it.  Due to this, I have never been one to avoid talking about things that are just 'hanging' in the air so to speak.  And mark my words, this type of scenario hurts more than just one in the end.  I know I have experienced it first hand twice now and it never ends well.  Best bring it up and get it out and over and done with.

This second sis has been passive aggressive towards me since I was born and know no other way.  It was only later in life that I started to put two and two together as to how she truly felt about me.  I was generally a happy child and never noticed. Whereas with our older big sis, I was very close to even since I can remember.  My older sis always made me feel protected, nurtured and quite simply, loved.  The other was the complete opposite and I actually was afraid of her and do not have many fond memories with her at all.  May be I have blocked it out for some reason.  Being that both my sisters were much older than me I looked up to them.  I stopped respecting this second one when I realised she was always having goes at me, to then later mock me, to then just flagrantly be contemptuous toward me, to then seething anger and then lastly, to threaten me with all sorts after our Mum passed away. What I just encapsulated took over 50 years to get to.  But I mention this as it has affected me.  Basically, this one was a fully fledged bully towards me and I had to deal with it quietly.  It ended up that my older sis would be my protector.  If I hadn't had that, well frankly I don't like to think of what the alternative scenario could have been.

These types of people make sure no one sees what they do to you and when it does not affect you, why would they notice especially when it is done subtly.  At her sons 2st photo board every one was included except, yes, little old me.  No where to be seen including my then only first child.  As the years went by the barbs got sharper the older I got.  My other sis noticed that it had gotten worse on one of her regular interstate visits and did try to open that door several times throughout the years with her for us to find some common ground, but it was firmly shut. We always knew that the second sis was always jealous of the eldest, but it was at this time that my close big sis said she felt that this second sis was jealous of me also and felt that it was my 'care free' nature that annoyed her.  I never did find out the reason why this second sis felt the way she did, nor that it matters that much now, as at least I knew what sisterly love was, felt like and meant.

Here are just a few snaps with my big sis who watched out for me and loved me unconditionally.

First photo is of us on a family fishing come picnic day out Gippsland way.  I was maybe 5.
Second photo of us is when we were getting ready for her Wedding Day in Sydney at her future Mum-in-law's home with Mum next to us.  I was her only bridesmaid and we had the best time preparing together for her special and fun day.

The third photo which is rather blurry is of the 3 of us just as I was beginning to twig how my second sis sitting felt about me.  I think the clothes will give the era away.

The last photo is with my big sis and myself at Lake Eildon water-skiing with her new hubby behind us.

I did chat to this second sis who had issues with me at length after my second child was born and said to her how 'over' I was of her passive aggressive behaviour to me from her since I was born and being that she would not try to mend it or fix it or whatever it would take, that I would treat her the same way she treated me, but minus the contempt. This was after she screamed and yelled at me and at a time when my second child and new born babe was about to go through open heart surgery.  It was during this conversation that she announced that she was the 'only' sane person from that side of the family ie the ethnic side... and by the way the only side as we are all ethnic.  She included our big sis as being amongst the insane ones also.  Lofty pedestal this second sis put herself on.  Long way to fall down was what I said and that I would rather be insane than sane and nasty like her.  We certainly got heated.

As far as my now estranged second sis is concerned, who has done nothing to other than try to bring me down all my life, well, I think any bridge in that direction will have been well and truly bombed, torched and burnt to smitherine's with no likelihood of turning back.  But, never say never.

As far as that particular conversation is concerned I have no regrets as this second sis revealed to me so much hate towards me that it all became clear.  I was just a nuisance to her.  I was in the way.  Sad really.  We could have had a wonderful sibling relationship and due to childhood perceptions long held put paid to that ever being a possibility.  And I understood only recently that that is her journey, not mine.

Maybe the fact that my life was vastly different to hers that fractured us further apart.  But I think not.  Even though she was a hard worker she never helped either nor a giver.  Basically, she was a female scrooge in emotions and material things.  Whereas, the other big sis would lend you her car, her heart and wanted to save all living creatures great and small.  She had a big heart and super generous to the point I had to curb her at times from being broke.  She saw the wonder in every thing.  The other saw nothing but a big black hole.  You could not have had more polarised personalities.

Once this second  flew from the old homestead, she was outta' there for good.  Couldn't get out from her parents home fast enough.  She was always driven by what others saw and thought.  Very much like 'keeping up with the Joneses' type of thing.  Material things defined her.  Not sure if this has changed.  Deep down I would hope so, but going on recent behaviour, I don't think so.

Whereas I was more like this.... so may help explain a few things now.  I was not as serious as she was and as for possessions, well, travel, music, film, the arts and people were more what defined me.  We couldn't be polars apart.

I am pretty sure her evaluation of me would be very scathing as well.  I could venture a guess, but hey, I am trying to get out of the habit of putting myself down.  For me, how she sees me and portrays me is something she had made up in her mind as a little girl before I was born and there is little I can do about that.  That is up to her and her alone.

At the time of this particular conversation I was deep in post natal depression and would have liked her support and maybe just maybe a glimmer of some sort of sisterly bond with her of which I knew was possible as I had this with the other. I will say here that the next quote was very much about the both of us at the time.  You can only go on what you knew at the time.  However, if I knew then what I know now, I would have handled this one conversation a bit differently now.  But you cannot make hindsight happen.

After that long and heated conversation there seemed to be a truce and I felt we just might make it, but no, back to old habits she went once she got her way in a particular situation and had gone back to her usual normal hateful manner.  This was all done in order to attend a function as how would it look if she was not included and I felt violated yet again and manipulated. Then the passive aggressive behaviour ramped up to a whole new level just prior to our Mum passing away.  Mum as I have mentioned in long ago blogs tried to prepare me for the onslaught and she had this one pegged down to a 'T'.  As a side note, this sis had treated our Mum the same way as she did me, but only since she was in her later teen years and then married a man who loathed Mum on top of it.  At times, I used to wish that she had met and married a man that was nice and that may have changed the tapestry of our family chequered history.  We will never know.

I was surprised at how accurate Mum was and appreciative for the heads up.  Mum was well gone by the time this one pulled out all guns blazing on me.  But even so, she even out did what was predicted.  Sad really.  I am the only one left of our era and vice versa.  Ironic to say the least.  I now take it as a test of some sort that is still to be played out and rather than let it get me down I just get on with what is important and that is my children, those that do care for me and work towards a mutual loving and respectful family.

I will put it this way, when one person does not like you since the day you were born and treated you with no respect, it is very hard to deal with them when all you did was 'be born' and you lived with that kind of angst towards you in your home for many years with constant pot shots that starts to get you down till one day you no longer care and become indifferent to their nature towards you.

Looking back now she was just a bully towards me 24/7.  By the time I reached forty I could no longer take her rubbish. If you kick a dog often enough it also stops caring eventually and will turn to take a bite.  If this had been anyone else other than a relative it would not have been an issue.  Being a sibling means you are in each others daily life when you are growing up whether you like it or not.

As both my siblings were much older than me they literally had it over me. This is what I had to live with and learn to deal with.  Since our estrangement, I have not missed the passive aggressive behaviour or constant pot shots at all.  Not the once.  Instead, it has been a relief.  I have missed what was and that was my family who are now all passed away.

This just says it all....

What this second sis did collectively was to ignore me after Mum passed away and then the months leading up to our big sis's passing and thereafter and it felt like torture.  I was quite literally treated like a leper.  She and her cohorts even did it to her nephew, my son.  They were targeting me, but unfortunately for them, my son coped it and bloody remembers it.  He was so distraught by their hateful behaviour as he could not understand why they were doing that to us.  I told him they were doing it to me.  And he then quite rightly at a wise young age replied, but Mum they are the adults, they should know better, this is when we should all hug each other.  What can you say to that other than my heart bled.

I only bring this up as it was done by my second sis to stick it to me.  It was done to punish me.  It was done to make a point.  The point being she wanted me to hear loud and clear in that roar of silence was she was better than me and had won.  Won what I ask.  Bad behaviour?  Stupidity?  I was at a loss and at that time unable to do anything about it.  Looking back now, I am not sure if anything could have been done anyway.  This particular time I am eluding to was the months and days leading up to, including and just after my big sis's passing.

I hope you find this next slide of interest.  So when you see others systematically ignoring and isolating another on mass this is what happens to that said person.

I actually felt like I had been kicked a million times over in the solar plexus by them all and was gutted at the time and for a long time after.  I cognitively know now, again, that this crap belongs at their feet and not mine.  I just feel sadness for my son, who remembers that feeling all too well that he experienced first hand and fully remembers.  It is not something you forget.  If it wasn't for my being there at my big sis's funeral, I would have gone completely mad. And I was on the very edge.  How I held on I have no idea.

My daughter had just started her 2 month overseas holidays and my big sis was excited for her and asked her to place candles for her at various churches throughout Europe of which she did.  She was in the UK when her 'Tante' passed away and the funeral would not have been held off in order for her to attend any way and would not have made it in time and I also knew my big sis didn't want her to cut short her time away as she told me so.  She wanted her to continue on and light the candles for her.  Just now for a very different reason.

I am so glad I got my two children up to where she lived one last time before she passed away.  I had save up all these frequent flyer points and was just short of 2 round the world tickets that I was going to use, but due to no finances and needing to be there for my big sis I used them all up with all the flights for all of us.  I am just so grateful that I had those points.  I, again, would hate to think if I didn't have them as then my big sis and I would never had the chance to have our final words and love together.  Somehow, I do believe my friends would have helped me across the line.  But this way I held my own and that was important to me.

This photo is of our second last visit and the children's last time being with their loving 'Tante'.

This was taken with my big sis wearing one of the soft caps that I bought her.  Common theme for cancer sufferers is that when going through the therapy (what a word - therapy) what they wear can itch dreadfully and this was soft and just right for her.  You can even see Milly, her faithful pusscat, in the background.  And I included her favourite tea set that she had been collecting piece by piece over the years to enjoy.

We all have our stories.  Mine is not unique.  I personally find it very sad when I hear of others sibs not getting along, due to my personal circumstances and overjoyed for those who do have a close relationship and cherish their time together.  Now that lifts my spirits up heaps.

I have had both experiences.

One extremely close and the other the polar opposite.

Trust me, closer is far better and way more enjoyable and heart warming.  Being attacked is hard work. I think that is why it does not sit well with me that there is this divide.  I have had to accept it as it is what it is.  You cannot make someone love or like you.  For some reason I am to her like oil and water. I can only concentrate on those that want my love and my friendship.  My little family may be small now, but we can build from good solid loving and caring foundations.  There will always be one, but I have taught my two to deal with it before it is irreversible.

Here's a photo of me preschool and my second sis pushing me with her arm.  I must have done something as I do not look thrilled about it one bit.  I was very young, but I do believe the problem may be if I take a guess, is that the blonde doll is mine and I have hers in front of me.  That might be it.  In the meantime, while all this kerffufle was going on, big sis is doing her own thing minding her own beeswax.  By the way I still have my dog that is in front of me and was a pale blue.  Or was that pink?  Not sure as it has faded now.  And as for the doll, well, she saw better days and is now minus her left arm.  The blonde one that is.

This has been one of the few areas when thinking of my family that has bugged me for a long long time. You have to talk about it for any healing to start or in this case acceptance being that the other party is not willing to participate.

My second sis tried and almost obliterated me, but thankfully failed.

In the end, as far as I am concerned, nothing justifies alienating another from a whole section of family IMO (in my opinion).  How incredibly sad and even silly is that.  Such an incredible waste.

As Hericlitus said, 'you can never step into the same river twice, for new waters are always flowing on to you'.  In other words, all this time that has gone already is missed forever and cannot ever be recaptured. Once gone, it is gone forever.

As for the next quote, I seem to go down this road over and over again.  I must have to relearn this lesson.  So this particular road is rather familiar and has been a rather long one and feel that I am nearing the end.

















I am saying this here as others may have a similar situation with family and still have time to do something about it before it gets out of hand.  You don't have to love one another, but at the end of the day pure stupidity is just that. I forgive them (my few family) for their bitterness and disrespect towards me, but I shan't forget how they made me feel.  This campaign has gone on for years now and due to just this one persons jealousy or childhood anger towards me.  Again, my lesson here is that it is there lot in life and not mine.  I can only be me.  I will no longer dwell in that place.  My head space and emotions are healing now and I chose to live a life that matters and quite frankly be far healthier.

This next quote's are, again, in my opinion, much the same for all of us.

Finally, I get it.

I accept that those who went down that dark path with the instigator and architect of this life long vendetta against me aka you know who, may never enter my life again, but, I equally do not rule it out either. It is all about respect.  I highly doubt it, but for the moment 'que sera sera, what will be will be'.

It was at the time when Mum got very ill that my not so fondest older sibling started playing up even more towards me, Mum and now even my children.  It really got out of hand and yet when others were around while Mum was in palliative, they either were clueless or blinkered.  At that time, I would sweep this vileness under the carpet for Mum's sake.  Since then, each time these moments would bubble up, it was far too sad for me to address or even begin to deal with and so I didn't.  It was only till the few years of grief counselling with 2 separate wonderful women that I could begin to even contemplate thinking about it.  Such was the ferocity of hatefulness from my second sis that was something to see and behold and I shall never forget till the day I die.  The trouble is it is so misplaced and misguided that there was no reasoning with her.  Again, damned if I did and damned if I didn't.  With all infections, if they persist, this infection needed to be lanced urgently. Now, so many years on, it is time now for me to free myself of this toxin given to me by her.  I release it back into the universe and set myself free of all it of which it was intended to do and that was to bring me down.

No more.

I state and write this now that the above is what has been at the crux of what has held me back for so long now and the best thing I can do is to 'shout it out loud', so that it no longer has power of any kind, most of all, over me.

This isn't the only issue, but the first big one for me to properly deal with.  The other biggie is being dealt with also, but that one can wait for a little while longer as there are others involved who need to be protected of which I am not going to add to and be a party to.

Being that there were several layers to this cake that had accumulated over the years and now combined and brought me down.

I had been beaten down systematically to believe I was nothing and worthless, while trying to hold my little family together.  No wonder I fell apart and felt incapable of dealing with all of it. Thank goodness I had good people around me who supported me as best they could and motivated me to work hard at healing my wounds and scars, inside and out.  Some of this support came from the most unexpected place and that was all of my Mum's girlfriends who had my back.  Many have passed away since with only a few left, but I will never ever forget their kindness.  Never ever.

It has taken a few years to get it together and not quite 100%, with this last year being the turning point, concentrating on love and positivity. And in a strange way a new found freedom.  I am still me, but I am not the same either.  Similar yet same.  If that makes sense.

Overall, I have dealt with most of my inner and outer demons and most of what bothers me. Essentially, I have always been a positive chirpy person and then due to circumstances out of my control I went down into that well of horrors as I indicated before for some 30 years now.  I have worked so hard to get out of that well that at times I have been almost out to only have another knock to slide right back again.  Many years later I have once again reached the top to now climb on right out of there.  This time I ain't going back in there.  To finally reach the pinnacle is the most liberating emotion and better later than never.  Not one particular moment is responsible for getting me to be out and be able to breathe fresh air once more, but a collection of moments and hard work that come together for me to rebuild my self belief and self worth once more.

One of these moments was when I was with my sister at her place of rest.  It all seemed to come together to seep into my soul.  I remember driving to Sydney and I was starting to crying to many songs. I even sang out loud crying my eyes out.  It must have been a sight.  But oh so cathartic.  I cried at the cemetery.  And I cried some more on my way home.  It all came flooding out and I let it go.  I felt spent, but I also felt loved.  I just knew from then on that my little family and I would be okay, even with all the ups and downs life will still toss our way.  As they taught me in the Latvian Guides I will now be able to 'Be prepared'.

This next graph that I am sharing, I have basically hit nearly all those points at some stage and was still doing so till recently.  Most of these points, plus others not included, are the one's that I have been working on the last few years and now more so in the last year.  The only one that does not resonate with me is #6, as I really don't mind being wrong.  Some may guffaw at that, but I really don't care.  I just care about how I feel and how those I care about feel about me in return.  At the end of the day, that is all that really matters.  My second sib has to be right at all costs and look where that has got her. She may appear on the surface to look fine and have it all, but deep down some where there is that pit with all that Mum taught her and one day that will all bubble up.  We are who we are and one can only push it down for so long and I know my second sis has been in constant denial about many things such as being ethnic for as long as I can remember.  I believe this from the bottom of my heart.

I have over these last few years, been told that I am 'too nice'.  Well, don't mistake that for being meek, weak or a push over.

It was while sitting with my sister at the cemetery, I looked deep inside myself with thoughtful deliberation and asked what should I do from here and how to handle things from now on with my estranged family in mind, as it doesn't sit with me to be mean spirited back to them.  With my big sis's guidance, I knew intuitively to just remain true to myself.  A virtual chat so to speak from the heart with her.

So what if I am 'too nice'.
So what if my sole surviving older sister has a 'please ignore and alienate Anita campaign going on'!
So what if I fall down and only get right back up again even if it is slowly.
So what if I was used by someone in a professional manner twice over.
So what if one or two betrayed me.
So what if a few don't get me.
So what period.

There is a song about that.  'So What'.  Pink in fact.  Love that song.  Here is the uboob link...
http://youtu.be/jFQ3cvzcvA4

PINK

So What Lyrics

Na-na-na-na, na-na, na
Na-na-na-na na-na
Na-na-na-na, na-na, na
Na-na-na-na na-na

I guess I just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna drink my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent
(Nope!)

I got a brand new attitude
And I'm gonna wear it tonight
I'm gonna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight

Na-na-na-na, na-na, na
I wanna start a fight
Na-na-na-na, na-na, na
I wanna start a fight!

So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you

And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool

So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

Uh, check my flow, uh

The waiter just took my table
And gave it to Jessica Simp, shit!
I guess I'll go sit with drum boy
At least he'll know how to hit

What if this song's on the radio
Then somebody's gonna die
I'm gonna get in trouble
My ex will start a fight

Na-na-na-na, na-na, na
He's gonna start a fight
Na-na-na-na, na-na, na
We're all gonna get in a fight!

So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you

And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool

So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

You weren't there
You never were
You want it all
But that's not fair

I gave you life
I gave my all
You weren't there
You let me fall

So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you

And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool

So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

No no, no no
I don't want you tonight
You weren't there
I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool

So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

Ba-da-da-da, da-da


I wash my hands and now it is back to where it belongs.

Here are some more random quotes that seem to have no real place in this blog, but hey, so what...

It may not seem to be a celebration, but the relief I feel does fell something like this.

As for my relo's even if they do chose to continue to stick to this path they have chosen forever after, I will love them just the same.  That will surprise a few.  But that doesn't mean I wont grumble about them once in a while or not be careful.  I am going to be true to me.  Pure and simple.

As for the friends who have come and gone in my life, be it by choice or circumstance and continue to do so, I am grateful for our time and love them also and who knows, going by the past our paths some may still cross again one day in the distant future.  I have seen and experienced many such strange things over the years.

I just want to say here and now a massive 'thank you' to one and all and how grateful I am that many of you hung in there with me through thick and thin.  You know who you are.  Even a couple who are no longer in my life.  Time is a finite commodity that we cannot get back. You all got me collectively through those many torturous times and listened to me banging on about my horrors.  It is those times that got me to be able to sort through my thoughts and feelings and bounce off what you had to offer that has truly helped me through.  Being that my main support people died some 6 years ago now I really was at a loss and needed that type of trust.  Even though one used my private information against me I still harbour no ill will or any grudges.  That now belongs with them.  Again, I will reiterate, life is far to bloody short to hold onto any kind of crap.

I still and will always miss my main support team and that was my beautiful Mum and big sis.  So I have those of you and Mum's angels, who were there for me to be forever thankful to.  You were all blessings in disguise.  Even the naughty ones.

Here is a photo of us three celebrating my 50th birthday.  We were always there for each other.  Our phone bills were through the roof, but we didn't mind as we could never not go a day without talking to each other.  So miss the daily chats.
Now I chat in other ways.

Again, a simple 'thank you' to all concerned who have helped me over the last 30 years.

No matter how much one can try to be liked, the fact of the matter is, not every one is going to love or like you.  And that is okay.

Sadly, I have my estranged other older sister and her family and another in mind when I look at this next one. The first two points are hard, granted, but not super difficult.  What is absolute is that you cannot get back time.  I have been left out of so much that I am sure they have forgotten that that pendulum swings both ways. More than likely it does not matter to them now, but one day it just might.  I just don't get meanness for meanness sake.  Never have, never will, but I have learnt to live with their 'not' knowing better. This one has been hard on me and will continue to do so, but I have come to terms with the fact that it really is out of my hands and nought that I can do anything about it other than feel incredibly sad for all concerned.

I have been told by a few over the last few years that I am 'too nice'.  Now how can that be a bad thing.  It is not like I wont pipe up if I don't like something so I am not that 'nice' if you ask me.  But once I reach my limit, then it is c'est la vie.

                 

I am constantly learning and that is a good thing.

I mentioned 'time' before.  If someone bothers to go out of their way to spend time for you or find time for you when you need it most or drop anything just when you are in a sticky or urgent situation, then that means something.  It means a lot.  It means they care.  Over the years, I have inadvertently hurt others unintentionally.  Many forgave me when I apologised from my heart for my 'faux pas' and a handful of others over my years have not.  Life will continue to present us with such dilemma's till the day we die.  How we chose to spend that time is always a choice and one that I no longer take lightly.

This one below is more about the first sentence for me.  Over the years we all experience this.  Usually it is harmless and does no harm.  However, since this open social medium started flourishing, it appears that a small percentage use it to gossip, or 'do no harm' and have forgotten their 'manners', which seem to go out the window when behind closed doors whilst sitting at the keyboard.  The usual social etiquette of 'one on one' or 'face to face' still applies as far as I am concerned, even in cyber space.  I find this type of action full of cowardice and lacking in character, especially when practised repetitively by the same usual suspects.

Have I made terrible mistakes over the years and judgement calls!  Hell yeah.  Who hasn't?  What I do is learn from them and own my mistakes, those that I have actually done.  Never those I am accused of that are not real and been fabricated or distorted to fit.  This is how I have always lived as my face wears what is inside.  My face says it all.  For those mistakes I have made, I have more than made up to those needed to be made up to, which has been less than the fingers on one hand.  I have learned from them and those I have hurt as they showed me by example how to turn the other cheek, to forgive, to forget and to move on that I put into practise.

Loved baby, loved this character.  So cheeky.

Had a situation a while back now that I must say came out of left field and hit me in the guts and left me rather numb.  Nothing I could do about it other than to stay true to myself and as those before me taught me by turning the other cheek, forgive and forget and move on.  This I realised after the initial hurt emotions, I realise now was more about their personal hell than mine.  Still hurt at the time though, especially when you see others jump on the bandwagon without knowing the full story or any story for that matter.  Some just take glee to see this sort of rancour and see it as some sort of sport.

This next one I have had a few of these as I am sure we all have had.  Just stop and tell it as it is. No more BS.  Once a manipulator knows this watch them scurry around in damage control.  I will no longer bow down to bullies of any kind.  

Be they ex bosses, ex coworkers, ex partners, ex anyone.  

That stops now.

Just like this one for obvious reasons.

I am who I am and take me as I am.  All of me.  Love the simplicity of this one.

I do not want to live with malice, bitterness nor a broken heart.  No more weeping, no more sorrow, no more heartache.  I set all that free now.  I am sure it will still affect me every so often and I shall still shed a tear or two, but with acceptance comes renewed freedom that allows for a brighter last chapter. The scars will still be there to act as a reminder, but for me now in a more healthy, kind and secure way, rather in mountains of hurt, pain and sorrow.

Uncomfortable topics should be dealt with sooner rather than later,and feel I can now do that.  With a few I was for some reason so crippled with fear that I could not broach what I could see unfolding and by being frozen the situation played out badly for which I could see happening also.  It's like watching a horror movie through your fingers over your face.  By not addressing it, I let it spiral out of control and into something that it never should have been.  I also by doing that handed control over to another without know it till after the fact and once it was too late.  But, at the time I just couldn't talk to the person/s concerned as I was afraid of that person/s.  Such was my discomfort.  On reflection, I just wished I had had the strength to do it sooner.

Turns out that this is my journey.

My road.

Personal growth comes at the most odd times.

Talking about it and being open is always fraught with danger yet healthy at the same time and for me it spells freedom from the shackles that have held me back by not being able to speak up sooner.  I will still be me and I will deal with the uncomfortable issues, moments and events.


In time, one does come to realise that the crappy times and the crappy things people do has actually nothing to do with you.  You just happened to be in the wrong place with the wrong person at the wrong time. That the crap is their crap and not yours.  What you have to do is not take it on board. Now this has been my lesson.  Not to take it on board and not to try and help every one every time and have to 'fix' it.  For me to learn to say 'NO' was huge and only really sunk in not long before my beautiful Mum passed away.

I hope that I will be able to do just this in the end for whoever is apart of the family and that is just to be together.  Hug one another.  Talk to one another, whether we agree or not.  To help each other.  To respect one another.  To watch over each other.  To extend the hand when needed.  To laugh.  To cry. To listen. To play.  To sing.  To share.  To just be okay.

To just be.

A world with out compassion and heart is not a world in which I would want to live in period. There are on exceptions as far as I am concerned.

















I love all my friends as they have through the years helped me enormously to still keep smiling. Friendship is many things to many people and for me my rule of thumb is, 'as long as you are happy to hear from me and see me without harsh judgement or disdain, then I am good'.  I believe in second, third or more chances till there comes a time that it is the end.  Essentially I am a very loyal friend.  But, even though a few of my really long time friends have said to me, 'you have the patience of a saint with this person', my thoughts are, 'well, we all can be trying and deserve to shine'.

It is the memories I treasure most with those that are no longer with us.  It is the memories I like to create for the children to have that anchor up ahead.

I give my trust, but break it once, then it is over for me as I give that as a most precious gift of all and not given lightly.








  Ironically I actually am B+.

Such a simple philosophy that I have imparted to both my children.


















There have been a few times in these last 30 years that I have nearly got the better of me.  Somehow I get back up and keep on going.  Not always at full strength, but going all the same.

Here's a compilation of quotes I have gathered to help keep me going.....

For want of a better quote, this one with a simple heart describes all our paths.  We all have our good days. We all have our bad days.  We strive to do well.  I have been misunderstood and misrepresented only a few times over the years, but none more so than recently.  All one can do is keep on going, again, that is not my crap to deal with as I have enough on my plate as it is and why add extra!  That is the other/s crap entirely.
Feel free to leave it that way.

This has always been a continual learning path for me.  I did a massive 'clean up' of what was negative in my life in my thirties.  I recommend, now in hindsight that this should be done each decade of your life.  Just like a regular spring clean.  Reason being that once the negatives that suck your life force out of you are gone, then more positives can flourish where they once did.

It is sad, but missed opportunities never stop and good intentions or not, never put on hold or delay those who are important to you to say 'I love you' or 'I am thinking of you today' or do what it is you would like to do with them, as in go see that person/s.  For tomorrow they may no longer be here for you to follow through.  Due to my studies I said to one friend I will see you when I finish and they met with an accident and no longer here.  I am bereft that this happened and highlights my point exactly.  Do not take anything for granted, especially when it comes to people you like and love.

This is the one I have struggled with the most and still do to a lesser degree.  I am getting better at this as I focus on my self healing.  Some times my reasons for hanging on were tied up with family, which made that decision even tougher still.  This one has no easy answer, but I now do believe you can let go without it being the worst decision.  It is how you deal with it and how you handle it that matters. I am still working on this though.

I did this for quite some time under the guise of closure.  I came to see eventually that I could wait an eternity before this day ever came.  I am glad now that I no longer am waiting for any person to do what I see as the 'right' thing.  The right thing to do is for me to shift my focus where it belongs.  With those who I love and love me back and back to those that matter.

This one resonates with me on so many levels and would apply to us all.  However, I do believe many expect absolute perfection in a friend at all times.  Just not going to happen.  So if a friend trips and falls and makes a mistake, hey, cut some slack, as one day you too could be the one that trips and falls and makes a mistake.  And just because you do, does not mean that the friendship is over and thrown out the door immediately?  It just makes that friendship more 'real'.  It may be hard to go through, but, oh so worth it if you do.

I certainly don't need any reminding on how short life is.  I have had more than enough of my share of illness, bad luck and death to last me for eternity.  This would be a good time to bring up 'Grief', as it was grief that slowed me down.  Well, a complete halt.  I had to go through it and am glad that I kept looking for the right counsellors and persons to speak to, so I could come to terms with my overwhelming grief. What I was cognitively aware of was not to live there forever, but at the same time not rush the process.  It can take a very long time.  I still grieve, but I don't let it consume me any longer.

Nothing wrong with people who seem to attract drama in their lives.  You see, it happens to me all the time.  I don't even have to leave the house for it to happen.  Hilarious.  It is when it starts to suffocate you and stop you in your tracks and affect others when it becomes an issue.  Drama can be of the fun kind and invigorate ones day to day daily duties.  It is when it flips over to the kind of drama that does damage that is when you have to step in and say enough is enough.  Just don't let it over shadow the positives and what has to be done that day.








This is me for the last 30 years!  Yes, I know I sound like Shirley Maclaine on 'Steel Magnolia's' saying, 'I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for the last forty years!'
This unwavering belief that it will be okay one day, and this saying, kept me sane.   

Who knew how true this would be.  Bloody hard place to get to, but sure as hell worth it if you keep on trying to get there.  Bloody took me long enough and wished my Mum and beautiful big sis got to see me achieve this.  But something tells me as I type this that they already know.  Literally, the sun just shone on me as I typed that.

More of the last, but very important as it mentions 'guilt'.  Another doozy that can bring the best person down.  Guilt can be very destructive indeed.

So there you have it.  My breakthrough.

Nothing much about 'stuff', just acceptance of what has happened in my life that put me in this hellish emotional place in the first place for far too long.  Then when the 'stuff' came along I was ill equipped to deal with it all.  Just muddled through best I could.

These quotes that I have found say something about much of my last 30 years, which is when the start of one horror that then snowballed into a Sara Lee cake of events and the odd 'not so nice foe' along the way that ended up being a layer upon layer without any breathing space in-between to recover.

What you see is what you get and that is and has always been just myself.

Even so, I have learnt much and do not regret a thing.  Would I change things you may ask. Well, 99% of what happened was out of my hands.  In hindsight, there maybe one or two decisions I made that I might do differently, but then that would mean the me of now would not be me any longer.  I still look forward to each and every day.  I still look forward to maybe finding some one to love and be loved.  I still look forward to creating with my writing.  I still look forward to the laughter and hugs.  I still look forward to seeing that next rainbow.  I look forward to grandchildren.  I look forward to that overseas trip.  It would be silly to regret as on the flip side, I was so fortunate to have had loving parents, one loving sister, two absolutely fabulous children, one love of my life who sadly passed away before we could marry and many wonderful long time friends that I have gathered and kept along the way since my Kindergarten days, with many scattered friends that have come and gone and flit in and out as the universe seems to sort out.

Other proactive ways to get on top of the miseries.  The Ukulele is an interesting one!

Healing can be a bitch, but not this time.  And healing can take a long time.  It takes a long time when you let things, people, events etc., bother you.  And, finally, I have come to the conclusion that this has gone on long enough.  I am ready to accept and move on to what lays before me of which I believe will be a better place due to my positivity.

Now is my time to shine once again and I ain't going to squander a minute any longer.

I would like to see that this revelation will allow me to deal with my 'stuff' much easier now.  As the saying goes 'peace, love and mung beans'.

Time will reveal all.





The good news is I am still here to deal with the 'stuff' with my 'renewed attitude'.





Ciao

Anita

now on the path to 'lightenment...
and I mean 'lighter' as in 'not heavy'....
as in the song ... 'He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother' by The Hollies.
http://youtu.be/Jl5vi9ir49g

THE HOLLIES

"He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother"

(B. Scott and B. Russell)

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother...