Been getting more and more stressed as a certain day looms and becomes closer and closer by the minute. Mid November has so many things happening with all events colliding at the one time and in my case date.
Yet another turning point in my life.
And one that I do not particularly welcome as I have been down this road once before and it certainly isn't much chop with the possibility second time round.
At times, right now, I feel something like this.
Time to pull out all stops.
In the meantime, my stress levels have gone through the roof and this is when one has to try and stay mindful not to undo what has been achieved and avoid coming to a complete halt in any further progress of ridding oneself of the overload of stuff, no matter how much smaller it is from the original mountainous size that was. Stagnation can set in, if one let complacency back in, even backslide considerably.
Wont let that happen and wont let the alternative happen and that is ~ lose my home.
My home sweet home.
How can this happen.
Rather easily really.
More than one could imagine.
All it takes is one domino to fall and knock the next over for events to quickly snowball and take over and make life impossible. Unfortunately, there are many who are in the same boat or far worse off.
Having experienced this nearly 20 years before at losing a home and being forced to walk away was an experience I never wished to revisit ever again. I remember all too well how horrid it felt and the lasting repercussions.
And yet, here I am at that very exact spot!
Being older and somewhat wiser, I have decided being armed with such knowledge that I shall not go down without a fight and use my past experience to pre-empt a better outcome and one that I chose and not by my situation.
How did I get here? Sounds like a song and good question.
In basic and simple terms, I had not planned to be 'out of work' for 22 months. I expected to be back in the saddle by now. This meant trying to juggle and cope with a mortgage, all related minor debts, then bills, then day to day living costs and anything else to keep one's roof over your head. There comes a time when one can only go so far.
I have come to that pointy end.
Well, my crunch time has reared up, which so happens to be 14 November when all my incomings change and dramatically alter overnight to become half my outgoings!
See my impending dilemma.
I honestly thought I would have employment by now in order to get through. I only need another 2 to 3 years here to live create a life without constant struggle for the first time ever. Not a huge ask. But looks like the Universe has other plans in store for me ~ perhaps I will be able to circumvent.
The problems I am facing are several fold.
First, being the obvious. All the 'stuff' that is still left to deal with. Still a massive task ahead with or without pending loss of home. With or without the huge strides I have so far made. Not the look one wants when selling a home.
This is when one can lose it. As in the plot. And give up and just throw one's arms up in the air and just say 'stuff it'. Pardon the pun.
Having lost a home before, I know all too well how it feels. As I said earlier it was some 20 years ago and I had what was termed a 'Ministry of Housing' loan to allow those on low incomes to afford to buy lower cost housing. I sensibly bought in a good location. My only saving grace. Many went out into the outer regions where land value rose slowly back then to their future detriment. None of us knew the doom and this loan would do to us all.
When those 18% plus interest rates hit, this is when the cracks of this loan began to show and once they started they widened quickly and broadened its reach to one and all that had one. Many had to declare bankrupt thanks to this ill conceived loan. Due to a series of events, I too got caught up in this madness and horror and was forced to sell before I also would have had to declare bankruptcy. I got out destitute, but I got out bankrupt free as well. Thank goodness for small mercies.
However, it is a hard climb back from that place.
Not only do you lose your home, you also lose your ability to fight for a while as the stuffing just gets ripped out of you. And for those who had to go bankrupt their whole life gets put into some sort of perpetual coma. This was just another reason why I spiralled out back then. My personal Sara Lee Cake of Horrors. Layer upon layer upon layer of horror events. And if another person tells me it is meant to test me I shall SOL (scream out loud).
Trust me I am well and truly tested. In the end back then, it didn't make me stronger. It flattened me. Not a good cake at all. Some one definitely left that cake out in the rain!
Seem to be using a few old song phrases this time round. Apols for that folks. But I like it!
That was then, and I have faced more than my fair share of adversity and still managed to get where I am now in spite of it all and with a smile on my face and in my heart.
However, it is beginning to feel a lot like a personal Groundhog Day moment for moi once more.
These sort of events in bulk can literally suck the life force out of you.
But, and this is a big but, but not if I can help it.
Woke up a few weeks ago in a panicked state with this knowledge of impending doom. In my total state of fright and without thinking jumped onto the computer and internet and put myself out there. Literally. Me and my car (and I know that is grammatically incorrect by the way) were going to see what we could do to get at least the minor debts out of the way so I could at least have a fighting chance to stave off the wolves from my doorstep, even if it was just for a little longer to sort the stuff.
With great flurry I set up on the spur of this woken moment, "JUST CALL ANITA", on Facebook, offering my specialised services to give lifts to others with unique needs and safe passage to bring together all my skills and years of expertise and most of all my love of helping others.
Being that would not be an overnight deluge of bookings I had to think quick about how I could come up with the required means to get to that then 8 weeks away finishing line.
Two days later I set up, "ANITA'S SECOND HAND STUFF", again on Facebook, offering any item that I had to chink away at those minor debts as quickly as possible. This all takes time also and have had to move quickly, which for me is not my usual self. Now have the 'stuff' on eBay as well, which means I am covering as many bases as possible.
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Suffice to say there has been some joy so far, but not enough as yet for me to get me across that line in order to breath easier. However, I am closing that gap, centimetre by centimetre, inch by inch, littl by little. Every bit counts and gets me closer to saving form selling home base. Now, I felt I was doing something proactive enough for there to feel hopeful. The support has been amazing and even surprising. I may have even stumbled onto a need and may have just found my way to a new fledgeling career opportunity and be self employed as well. Be my own person. Scary, yet exhilarating all at the same time. But, first things first. Save the home.
It is said that at such harsh and difficult times when one reaches an all time low that these moments are just the thing that gives you the kick up the butsky to get you going. I know I am going somewhere, just don't know which way as yet. Well, that kick was swift and a tad brutal and I have taken on this titanic kick to address this jolt head on.
I still have less than five more weeks to go to turn things around and even though I have a feeling it still isn't quite enough and isn't going to be an easy ride, it sure is going to be a ride with hope, joy, tears, friendships and new experiences.
This ship or should I say 'home' ain't sinking just yet.
I also got approval from Uber and have the car ready to earn via that method as well and just about to start.
All combined I do hold hope.
There are other things afoot to get my family across that line. All in all, no matter what the outcome, I will at least feel I have done my best and tried. Trying to stay positive and focused as. Fingers crossed folks, I am in for a bumpy ride.
In the meantime, I am trying to hang on tight to staying the course in the decluttering side of things as well during this stormy patch. Not easy. This basically makes the task all that much harder. I am doing my best to turn this around in the face of all that may happen. Rather a positive outcome from this situation than a double negative. Having been there before I know how fast one can slide back. No one wants to. It is just human nature in many cases to do so as the avalanche can be all consuming and to go into a depression is after all just a mechanism that takes you into a vacuum or void as a self protective measure. In other words, checks you out till it is safe to come out is how is view it in simplistic terms and thinking. Even the most stalwart and strongest peeps can come crashing down. I just don't have the time to go there again. I have learnt that it is okay to take the time to heal, but right now I just cannot falter. I have to get through this also. One more time. As I said before, all it takes is just one event, and boom, just one domino falls to start that chain reaction on a fast track to a hell hole of hurt and pain that no one ever wants to experience over and over again. Least of all me.
I ain't going back. No way.
I am driving others around and finding it to be fun and fascinating and enjoy immensely hearing the various stories. Life and people are fascinating. Working for yourself is scary. As I mentioned before, it is exhilarating and liberating at the same time.
This type of work will also be very good for me as well. To be surrounded by active people and being involved rather than detached. Diving in can be just the answer, just as much as taking time out. I do believe, diving in will be my elixir, this time round.
As for my stuff being up for sale, it is still a long process. Have sold some things, but have so much more. Am trying to sell the 'big ticket' items to get one of the two smaller debts completely snuffed out. I had been reducing these all along over the last few years, but time has beaten me and need to speed things up. I want all my choices still open to me and not most of them closed. Again, not asking for much.
My neighbour has offered to help me in the task of getting more items up for sale. This is how wonderful the people who surround me. Why wouldn't I fight to stay! And by the way I will take up that offer. Love you for much more than this Tash. You are one in a million.
The positive spin to this is, I am getting double the value. Hopefully solving my impending gloom and getting rid of the 'stuff' to boot.
Hallelujah for that at least!
It is a lot of work this eBay and this posting items for sale. There are the photos, the research, the description, the measuring, the chose of which category, decisions on values and then the waiting and watching and answering questions and the packing and the posting and the picking up and it all starts again. It is a veritable bloody full time job this on line sales bizo!
Phew, I am exhausted already just writing this paragraph. I just cannot see how some find it so easy and fly through it all. I do admire that capability. But I will persevere as the reward is so worthwhile. I get to keep my "family home" the old homestead. Not a bad incentive at all.
The only difference this time from the last time from losing my home and having to sell, is, that I ended up with nothing. Literally, nothing. This time, I will have something at this older age, but not enough to breathe comfortably. If I could last just that little bit longer, that breathing space becomes just that little bit more easier.
Why then, would one not try to hang on.
For me the decision to fight on is a no brainer for me.
There are two camps of thought that I have noticed and that is,
'Get out now' and the other,
'I get why you want to hang on a little longer'.
Those that have said, 'just sell and rent' may or may not have experienced such a situation. But I do not wish to be so presumption to think that way. Some seem more flexible than I am and better equipped in their ability to pick up and move on. Wish I had that, but I don't. And it doesn't help that it is not an ideal market out there for rentals as well. For this reason due to the timing having to leave right now does not bode confidence in me as I have lived in many rentals over the years with both good and bad results from landlords and they can be fraught with horrors due to the fact that I would be renting at the lower end of the market due to affordability.
Then there are those that get why I have the need and desire to 'hang on and fight that little more'. The ease of a future of being comfortable even if it is just and not in constant struggle. To be able to afford to live rather than exist. The other to not be a burden on your family and be independent for as long as possible. Choices really.
This could go either way. It is just a matter of which way it goes.
Holding on or letting go.
Which will it be?
No matter the outcome, for me to fight means I will have tried and then no matter the outcome, I will be able to accept and live with the results. If, at the end of the day, I still have to put the home up on the market, well, I will and I can then live with the knowledge that I gave it my best shot. I wont be 'destitute' even though most of those doors, choices or options will be closed to me. I just wish I was younger to cope better with the onslaught of what I know will happen in that case scenario.
Some find it easy and even like moving. I don't. Many don't. Especially as you get older. I know that the alternative path means several moves ahead in store. Whereas, I was planning for only the one till my children shove me where ever in years to come, hopefully with internet or whatever medium it will be by then!
Here is another observation. The more you move the less you accumulate. Just stands to reason. That is one way so many end up with 'too much stuff'. Another way is like myself and inherit it the situation. Also, moving costs money and not just a little, but a lot. No wonder people stay put. And no wonder so many get into a 'too much stuff' state of bother.
So there you have it. I have almost had it. The question is, will I make it and which way am I heading?
Shall know soon enough.
Here are of the items already being offered thus far and some of the items on ebay, for those wondering what I have put up for grabs and many of you will know that I will have an abundance of with so much more 'stuff' to come. The Soda Cyphon was snapped up first and some vintage pure wool and the Pump 'Air' Pot already gone and the rest being watched with some appearing to having little interest. I am hoping Dad's tools will be bought so they can be used once more as they were extremely well looked after. As for the One Armed Bandit many believe to be illegal, but they are not. Only if it can be used to profit from and this one only takes US dollars and barely much at that can fit in there. It is a novelty machine only. By the way Anthony Perkins from "PSYCHO" movie fame used to toss coin in this little number and pull that plastic gold handle a few years before he passed away when working in his later years as this belonged to his Agent and was in the waiting area when he went to see him at Swenrick Agency in LA. Bought it myself from the Agent directly when I went to the Long Beach Trash and Treasure. Will have to find his business card to confirm the provenance. All the wool was made at my Mum's place of employment just around the corner from where I live, the old family home, and is the really well made pure wool and beautiful to knit with. Also, some items given to me recently to sell to help me out by my beautiful friends Mum. I do have so many wonderful gorgeous caring friends who surround me. The family what I call the Jetson space age look lamp stand with coffee table from the 60s and other topical items from by-gone era's. With oh so much much more to see the light of day.
Now it isn't like I do not know what is about to happen. I do. Sucks.
No matter what the Universe has in store for me, I will have done all I can. All I know is, I do not like the feeling one bit. I have been down and travelled this road once before.
For instance, when you chose to move you are eager and looking forward to it, which puts you in a good mood and things then fall into place generally and when hiccups happen along the way, one copes and deals with it. Whereas, if it is not of your choosing to move and thrust upon you it just is not fun and sucks big time all round in all facets.
That is why it is even more 'important' to try and not go down that drain hole into the deep dark abyss of depression and so on. Hard to do, as all your focus is on survival at the time.
Now, for most, if this is the first time you get knocked down, one tends to get through it with a certain amount of bruising. But, if one has been knocked down habitually with no let up, well that is a whole different kettle of fish altogether.
For me, over the years of collective horrors, if it had not been for my family, as in my Mum, Dad and one big sis, Sylvia and I were each others rock, my kids, as well as my dear friends and they know who they are, I would have been an even bigger mess than I ended up. Even though I may have lost half my support team since, those who are still with us sustains me and keeps me going to get through. Their comfort, support and love does make a difference. Not all have this luxury. I do hold onto this very dearly and feel blessed knowing I have this. It is the simple acts of kindness that mean the most in the end and when added up, do count. Priceless.
However, I have had some achievements of late and I am going to hang onto those, as in the achievements, not the stuff. Still have to have a laugh. It helps keep one's sanity.
Will be busy for a while and may not be back on here till I know the outcome. Will try to keep you all posted.
Cheers
Anita
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