I have got to the stage in the 3rd bedroom where it gets difficult to sort through... you see it is the papers, photos etc that take time to deal with.
I remember back to when Mum was in palliative and how she used to look at me with such sorrow and she just kept saying to me 'I am so sorry that I have left you with this mess'. Mum's family has longevity and her early demise to cancer caused by a chemical she worked with robbed her of 15 to 20 years of life. The chemical causes liver cancer 100% with contact and the that is 'Carbo Tetra Chlorine Ethaline'.
She fully intended to deal with her situation and was in the 'process' of learning how to let go. She may have never done it to the extent I have and I accept that, but at least she understood that it had to be done. I would reassure her that such is life and said I would be fine, not to worry and that I would try to honour her and to do the best I could. Even though this settled her for awhile but she always felt she had unfinished business. As time goes by I do get more brutal but the word brutal is in my terms and not as others who look on would. All subjective.
It is the paperwork that is the hardest and most time consuming. The paper has to be gone through and then shredded if at all possible. I have found things of historic value and yes they do need to go to the various places for archiving etc. For instance, war stuff to Canberra or overseas, photos and film etc and so on. Then there are birth certificates and family information that may appear. Tax stuff. Medical stuff like Xrays. Etcetera Etcetera and so on... the list is endless and this is where taking a photo can be helpful for a certain amount of this material.
With a memory card it is possible to downsize stacks of paper onto one card.
The reasons for holding onto paper varies from person to person. At times it can be due to laziness... 'I'll get around to it later' is the usual one and in no time one can find they have a mountain to deal with, which then makes matters worse. But no matter the reason the way back for all is usually much the same... hard work and heartfelt... at times for some it has some sort of value whether it is emotional or percieved value or being from an era that had disdain for waste. The fact remains it still has to be dealt with. I hope that through my journey and openness that I can be of some use.
My mission is to destigmatise those that collect and those that hoard. Sometimes these are mutually the same, but not always. I have taken to getting a single box and while watching TV at night slowly looking through and then tossing what is clearly rubbish plus 2 other piles being financial/medical stuff and the pieces I want to take photos of. This is all very time consuming and laborious, but has to be done.
I say this as in 2000 I was moving from one house to another house 5 doors away and had to get out quickly. At the time of the move I had been bitten by 'something' and was feeling unwell. A few friends came to help and tossed alot of paper out which they thought was 'nothing' and I know my passport went along with it! That is why one has to go through it physically. It is a fact not a want.
Being unwell at the time of the move, I thought I would get back to the paper later, but that night my neck up through the back of my skull and fast moving down my forehead - my skin was massively swollen, red hot, bubbling almost and I was in agony. I got the kids minded by neighbours and took myself off in a taxi to the Monash Clayton hospital. I was admitted and told I had approximately 24hours to live if they didn't get this to stop immediately as they were guessing.
I said my goodbyes to my Mum and told her what to say to the children and put myself in the hands of the doctors. I was in so much pain I just didn't have the heart or mind to care either way. I just wanted the pain and heat to stop. I ended up in the stroke ward for 8 days on a drip and slowly recovered. My energy was totally shot and took me up to a year to recover. I was very grateful to be alive.
However, in the meantime all that paperwork got taken away while I was in hospital. Gone forever. The house I went to was really a condemned type of place, but financially I had no choice but to live there. My daughter stayed with the neighbours and my son with my parents and when I came home to the new rental all was still in boxes and being ill and no energy I never fully got on top of the situation for a very long long time. As soon as I would do anything I would start to sweat and have to take a break. It took so long to even get to the point where it felt like a home like all my previous places had. But I pressed on glad to be alive to be able to do so eventually.
Life isn't always kind or go the way you expect and one has to adapt. For me I had to adapt big time and ever since then it has been a long slow 'process'. When there is one road block or disaster one after the other back to back you never seem to get on top of things fully and this can be frustrating to the extreme. But I had no choice in this. Shit happens and I just had to keep on going in any way I could.
It is what it is and that is why I now choose to live life as it happens and participate in it rather than only concentrating on the 'process' to be done at my pace so as not to exhaust myself.
I helped Mum with her Mum's house in 1999 which took us 6 months of weekends and most weekdays to achieve... we found 8 bottles of whisky once! Bonus! Nicely aged I may add.
If you find yourself in a position looking after another, you may also find yourself having to deal with a 'full' house of that loved one who has gone into lets say aged care. This can be a very difficult time for the one who has gone into care and also for the ones who have to take care of 'matters' outside.
This all takes it toll on your normal day to day habits and the added burden can be devastating. No one else will notice as people think before experiencing it that it is easy. Afterall, all you have to do is just go there, make a few calls and hey how hard could that be! Also, where you live and the distance to the house of the loved one that you now find yourself looking after on top of your own commitments can be vast - it takes it's toll in many ways especially on your car... all those added k's. I drove my little Gemini into the ground and had no way of buying another at the time I was looking after Mum and as Mum could no longer drive and she relied on me for her care 24/7 so I had no choice but to buy hers. It was approximately the same value and I didn't like it as it was too big. But again, I was not in a position to complain.
I looked after Mum for a long time with some council assistance etc while I was raising 2 children and recovering from my mystery illness. My priority regarding my personal time was my family then parttime work and decluttering my stuff got a look in lower on the list. However, I did get rid of alot as the house I lived in was very very damp and began to ruin alot of my gear. Living in that damp also did not help my recovery to good health. Extreme damp does effect your health and am so glad that we are all out of that house.
This is where you will find out who in your family will help willingly, begrudgingly or just not at all to share the workload. Some families are lucky and will pitch in together collectively which spreads the load and lightens it massively on each individual. Some will shirk giving assistance at all costs and leave it up to one person only. When this happens that one person's health gets affected due to the massive workload involved. Which is why I choose to do things slowly and what I did do on a day to day basis with my healths best interest in mind. All the same I have an existing heart condition and on top of all this added workload and stress my pulminary artery enlarged. It is manageable but am now under on-going cardiac care. A bit of trivia here - you may be aware that carers get sick more times out of many before the one they are caring for.
It is important to decide what it is you want to achieve and in what time frame if only with your health in mind.
Now I am telling you all this as when you are under the pump and extremely stressed and health is not good this impacts on ones ability to do those extra tasks such as 'getting rid of excess stuff'. I was almost at a point where I was about to get on top of my own gear when Mum took a turn for the worse. These road blocks get in the way and end up making you feel even more frustrated and at times even angry. It took me some years to just realise 'to go with the flow' rather than continue to stress all the time.
Stress, anger, depression or any negativity for that matter slows the 'process' down very much so - just as much as events do.
An old favourite quote is 'Work to LIVE not Live to WORK!'
I have found when one has emotional support from others who are not 'judgemental' helps one to get through. Not necessarily any easier just more able to cope.
I started this post about paper... I think I have meandered... but it is all valid and hope helpful... We all have a story and when I hear anyones story it never ceases to amaze me how resilliant we all are.
If 'stuff' is now my only problem then I am truly lucky. Things could and can be a whole lot worse.
Chzi all
Anita who is on the way to freedom of my inherited 'stuff'.
No comments:
Post a Comment