Just checking in ....
and couldn't let June go by without an entry.
Well, I wont do such a long entry like last time.
I think those who read it would agree with me, that it was a bloody marathon.
But, oh so cleansing and freeing for moi.
But, I did bang on though.
Even though it was an important pivotal part of my entire journey!
I thought that after that release the purging would instantly begin. Just is my release has landed where I hadn't expected.
You see, I had finally arrived at my very own personal crossroads.
And a choice had to be made whether to remain in the constant whirlwind of a negative vortex or finally take that gigantic last leap and jump onto the path of some thing much better and healthier and quite frankly enjoyable in store.
Since this enlightenment, I have done very little on the purging front of the 'stuff'!
Instead, have concentrated on one item only on my checklist and that is me and my health.
This was due to the fact that I found myself in a much better head space and I can assure you all that it is a wonderful feeling. I could now deal with what was bothering me and my health, which was the added 'protective' weight that I have put on and held on to for far too long.
I went from this... to this...
to finally, this...
...from victim to victor!
I now have the most wonderful and generous mentor, who is in daily contact with me on this next particular journey, plus my GP/friend (General Practitioner) and Nick the Dietician. Will be doing this in stages over the next year at least, as this is going to be a permanent lifestyle choice, as well as a change for the positive.
Hence, devoting myself entirely to developing the required habit changes.
A dear friend said to me just the other day, '... it takes 21 days to break a habit and 64 days to make a habit ...'! Well that got me thinking didn't it.
I started on this journey with great enthusiasm, gusto and determination on 12 June and now 18 days in, have not wavered once from my path. I have been out at functions with others eating and could accommodate my new path extremely well.
Even though I have not hit the 21 day mark as yet, let alone 64, I know with my newly formed determination and resolve, I will get there.
Reason being?
I have forgiven all accordingly and let go of what held me back.
I cannot tell you all how good this feels. Till one achieves and does this, it just sounds like lip service or some sort of surreal bizarre rhetoric. I could not imagine this happening to me in a million years and that it was possible.
But it has happened.
Even though it took a very long time to get here. I sure like 'here' now that I am 'there'.
Don't get me wrong, as 'here' is not an easy place to get to by all means. I am glad I kept working at it no matter how down I got. It is tough going, no doubt about that, but, so well worth the time, effort, struggle, pain and heartache.
This was all part of me not being able to deal with what happened in the past in my particular circumstances and family situation. The catalyst in my case, was being landed with all this 'extra stuff' and dealing with my last sole surviving sister's angst towards me (since birth) and all that entailed at that given time!
This other older sis divided and split our family asunder since our Mum's passing, plus it doesn't help with her inner inability to accept me. I would much prefer that this was not the case, but I know and accept that it is no longer possible for our family circles to overlap as it should have done. Some families have a strong bond amongst them all, which is the ideal. In my families case, we are starting afresh and over again.
Regardless of what I think or feel, family is most important and should not be treated shabbily and taken for granted at all.
This happening with families is not unique and nor was my particular situation. This is why, when faced with multiple issues, it is best and advisable to go slow in order to deal with the issues at hand fully. I chose to go at them one at a time. This one at a time was best for me as I did feel like I was drowning with no way out. Once I shed the kilos, my corresponding health and energy will also rise exponentially as will the 'stuff'.
One area goes UP and one comes DOWN.
Or in my case, the 'stuff' goes OUT and the 'kilos' come OFF!
In other words...
For all who have the issue with 'stuff', there is usually another underlying one that is deeply pushed down. Unfortunately, this hinders speedy progress. I was aware of what that was, but unable to do anything about it. I needed 'TIME'. And glad now that I did not rush the process.
That is why I say '... be kind to thyself...', take a breather, don't be hard on yourself and have a laugh. Do what is required and fit the 'issue' to accommodate your life and commitments. You will reap the rewards in the end, albeit a little slower, but at least you WILL get there.
Tears still flow for me, but not just so much any longer.
So many things led me to this path where I now find myself. This crossroad.
I finally got to a place, early last year, where I decided to start getting my life back on track ... much like those GPS's we have in our cars to direct us, but when you don't go where it instructs you to, it then has a hissy fit and has to do another recalculation on how to 'get you back on track' ... in my case, towards a more positive way of life.
That meant getting rid of the negatives one by one.
After much soul searching I found I had 8 in all, which involved toxins of all kinds and eliminating these toxins took me just over this last year to achieve.
I started with the first important issue that meant 25+ years worth of my life with this particular toxin in mind, which was very very emotional and difficult to do. Shedding is never easy.
The next was just as tough as that involved a few all at once and in this case totalled the last 5 years only. However, it was still all very emotional and certainly not easy to get through.
The last 2 were the hardest of all, as this meant my family and included all my lifetime being 58 years, but led me to understand with the help of my angels on my shoulder, my big sis and Mum '... to remain true to myself ...'.
As the song goes 'Que Sera, Sera'. What will be will be.
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
It was after visiting my beautiful and most wonderful sister's grave that I have found and reconnected with my inner strength and voice once more.
Here we are sitting on the back steps of where I now live from our youthful years.
Also, chatting with a few close friends helped me get over that line. I have said this before and will mention it again and again how truly blessed I am with the dearest of dear much loved friends. I had been afraid for so long, but no more.
Now, all I have to do, is get the outer me to match the inner me.
You may be thinking, 'what on earth does this have to do with the hoarding'.
Everything really.
As it is all the burdens and horrors and insults and abuse and I could go on, that holds one back and been shoved down so far that one literally cannot see the light and in so doing dive further and deeper down into survival mode that one crawls into and finds themselves. All curled up in a safe cocoon stasis to protect one self.
The journey back out will take as long as that one person needs.
I cannot state how wonderful it is to feel this way once more. This feeling of liberation and elation and joy. I am just glad that I am now 'back on track' and slowly reaping my 'positive' rewards.
Since then, I have been in an even bigger perpetual moving mess at home, more than usual, while going through these last 3 months. Am only now refocusing on what I can achieve next.
It has been decided that my daughter is going to use my Wing Tip Chair that I love so much and am glad it will now have a brand new purpose and home. I will sell the ottoman that I clung and hung onto that was my parents from their very 60s modular leather lounge suite as well as the Rocking Chair. This means, I will have room for my massage chair that I have still in it's box from 9 years ago. More room, more function.
The dominoes of purging continue to fall. Mexican wave!
The last few weeks I have had a frightful time on the home front though as many have had.
We have experienced frightful freakish storms with such fierce winds that finally my worst fear was coming true right in front of my eyes last Tuesday.
I remember chatting with my gorgeous big sis some 6 years ago on the phone who at the time was very ill with cancer in Sydney while watching the carport roof lift up with hellish winds. At that time the room I was in was my bedroom, which is now the study come office. Here I was sitting at the computer all these years later to see what I relayed to my big sis, which was the roof plus girder lifting away by several inches from the pole it had been attached to that kept it in place. I freaked. If the roof got ripped away, I could only imagine the damage to my place let alone where it landed!
It is now temporarily anchored for the moment with rope till I can organise for repairs.
Apparently the bolts had snapped clean away! Completely kaputsky.
Another thing to add to the list of repairs that I cannot afford to get done. The house roof needs repairs, the gutter needs repairs, inside ceilings need repairs, the stove needs replacing, the extractor over the stove needs replacing, kitchen door handles broken and needs replacing, holes need patching, the place needs painting! And that's just for starters. Land value or not, it would be nice to be able to get these repairs done. But that just is not possible right now and will be a few dreams and wishes away for now.
My son just walked in to tell me the lights no longer work in the kitchen! All I can do is laugh.
I remember my sister being quite worried for me all those 6 years ago now.
Remembering her words of comfort and support helped me through.
I missed capturing the times it lifted away, but the part that was affected was the brown metal pole and brown girder both join. That now are no longer joined!
Help at hand at last whilst the storm continued. Heavy duty rope, but will need attention asap.
Here is what the city centre and some beach side suburbs looked like.
Overlooking the city about to be bucketted upon.
The heavy pour down along with the tides put certain parts of the CBD under water.
This is what those by the beach encountered.
The South. The North.
In the meantime, I may still have to sell the old car if I don't secure paid work soon. Trying to avoid that at all costs, but push comes to shove I may have to any way. Roof over head trumps car any day.
I recently went down memory lane remembering my first car in comparison to my much loved big sis's car. See if you can spot the difference!
My car... As opposed to my big sis's car...
Both rather sporty if you ask me, don't you think?
All these problems that I have to handle and solve right now in the past would have normally had been more than a nightmare and sent into a tailspin, but now, am not letting it get me. Instead, I am focused on taking it all in my stride.
And keep reminding myself to just 'breathe'.
I did have a recent possible job opportunity, but again with too many strings attached and has fallen through. I am sure something will turn up just at the right time.
In the meantime, I have decided to give Ebay another bash with the help of my daughters fiancee. Some people just do Ebay so well. I find it laborious as well as hideous. But, I have a carport roof to fix now, along with the rest on that list to fix. This may be a way to resolve that. Try I must.
Now you may be wondering why I named this as 'all roads lead to home'. Well, they do eventually. It may have taken me some years, but at home at last I am. I have always been here. Just not in the present till recently.
And by 'roads' I mean all the situations and issues that have made my last 30 odds years that make me who I am now.
I must admit that my big sis would give me mantras to say to help me through certain times and now upon reflection I only did them half heartedly. Now, I know better, and will be reciting my mantras whole heartedly.
Here are some that are now going to be used and practised on a daily basis.
Starting with these....
This will be my new future occasional state of Zen.
Cute eh!
This was a favourite of mine and my big sis's as well...
My aim is to go and do a few more of the things I would like to get done. Such as....
Enjoy tranquil waters...
Go Hot Air ballooning...
Enjoy the rainbows...
See the Northern or Southern Lights - the Aurora Borealis up close...
And not forgetting visiting family, friends,the arts and those longed for places...
I used to feel like this... But, these days more like this...
In regards to my complete stop in working on shedding the 'stuff', well, that is still left to be dealt with for another day. I have come to terms that as it will still take time. Here are some amusing anecdotes that I have gathered that I feel sums up parts of what it means to have 'stuff' that others refer to as 'hoarding'.
I will end on this positive note...
And that the following is taking place for me more than not...
I am still very much a work in progress and very content with that indeed.
A percentage of the 'stuff' that I first started out with is still there, but that's OKAY. In time, it will be dealt with. In the meantime, I have a life to live. And live it I shall.
Next time, I hope to report that said mentioned items are gone and carport fixed with even more achieved.
I am now dreaming the impossible to be possible!
That is my next goal.
Cheers one and all,
Till next time.
ANITA
