NB: This was written last year on my sister Sylvia's 10th anniversary of her passing (2018) and missed publishing here and felt that I would do so on her 11th anniversary instead. My beautiful zany big sister, Sylvia left our earthly place to live amongst the stars with all those we love.
I miss her so.
I was in the process of a catch up on what was that year before. Here it is as written a year ago.
(Written August 2018)
Hi Guys,
This is the fifth and last catch up entry.
After this longer than usual entry, shall be the last back track after my year long break and will mean we will be all caught up.
The first half are my recent reflections as I shed the horrors of the past. So, get a cuppa tea as this initial section has ended up rather lengthy indeed. Better out than in. Essential in my journey towards self wellness and forgiveness in my heart.
The second half has all the catch up details of my personal decluttering process thus far that will take us up to now.
May as well throw in a Merry Christmas to one and all while I am writing this as it is fast approaching. As usual we will be celebrating Christmas Eve, which will be low key this year. No church once again on Christmas Eve. To all those who mark different celebrations, may your celebrations be filled with joy also. Just a happy whatever, however you celebrate, in whichever part of the world you are from. Even though I have much, I don't have much in financial comfort, but, I sure make the most of those around me as family and those we care about is what this magical time is about. An excellent time to take stock. A time to show others how much we love them after the madness of the year gone by. A time to just spend time with those we hold dear. For me it is all about cherishing what we cannot buy, but give in other ways.
Would have done this entry earlier, but have had three move in to stay for the next few months, along with much other Christmas preamble to deal with, so the home front is yet again a tad topsy turvy.
So!
Did I mention "The Attic"?
Did I mention "The Attic"?
Yes?
No?
I believe I had. A while back.
Either way, I had not referred to it again, as doing so, made me feel even more overwhelmed than I already was. And that I needed like a hole in the head.
I got tired of saying to all and sundry, I had what was under the carport, the double garage across the road, the back shed, the side shed, the mezzanine for a couple of years at a friends factory in Richmond "&" then only add in the Attic!
Just way too much information for any to take on board, let alone understand the sheer volume I was dealing with. Hence, I gave up mentioning the Attic, along with the mezzanine and double garage that were dealt with some years back. Since then been dealing with one area at a time, more solidly being under the carport that finally is done and being zoned out as a dumping ground.
My way of trying to keep sane throughout these last 10 years was to be just like Scarlet from Gone With The Wind.
So, how did I get into this fine mess I found myself in that was through no doing of my own. I am speaking emotionally now. Not the physical aspect. I have to get a handle on the pain, hurt and sadness that has shrouded me for so long like a thick heavy fog. It is time to start blowing some of that fog away. Time for me to live again, not just exist.
No?
I believe I had. A while back.
Either way, I had not referred to it again, as doing so, made me feel even more overwhelmed than I already was. And that I needed like a hole in the head.
I got tired of saying to all and sundry, I had what was under the carport, the double garage across the road, the back shed, the side shed, the mezzanine for a couple of years at a friends factory in Richmond "&" then only add in the Attic!
Just way too much information for any to take on board, let alone understand the sheer volume I was dealing with. Hence, I gave up mentioning the Attic, along with the mezzanine and double garage that were dealt with some years back. Since then been dealing with one area at a time, more solidly being under the carport that finally is done and being zoned out as a dumping ground.
My way of trying to keep sane throughout these last 10 years was to be just like Scarlet from Gone With The Wind.
So, how did I get into this fine mess I found myself in that was through no doing of my own. I am speaking emotionally now. Not the physical aspect. I have to get a handle on the pain, hurt and sadness that has shrouded me for so long like a thick heavy fog. It is time to start blowing some of that fog away. Time for me to live again, not just exist.
First, a slight detour to take a moment to get some deep hurts, pains and sadness off my chest.
Healthy reflections with some healthy realisations ~
I feel, being ten years on, to rid myself of feelings that have weighed me down for so long now is of value and importance to grasp how I got to this point in the first place and towards a healthier more loving direction.
Understanding the why's, how's and where's or whatever's, is key to stopping 'too much stuff' in its tracks from taking over ever again.
To delve into the why's and wherefores can be confronting, uncomfortable even for the one having to reveal such private details that have remained hidden or secret for so long, not to mention those around you. Still, it is important to go through such soul searching, no matter the discomfort that will be felt, as in the long run, once you lance the boil and allow the muck to clear away, you are then left with a wound ready for healing or in my case a sense of self worth that a few over many decades tried to rip out from under me.
Whatever the case may be for those going through such turbulent times, I can attest that diving in and purging not only the stuff, but haunted feelings, is beneficial by the time you get to the end of that journey's end. If, one never finds out, then it is bound to build up once again and again, until you do. Until the issue that resulted in this mess is addressed, nothing will change. Change has to happen and embraced.
Hence, why I am purging my feelings here and now. It is time. I feel it in my aching brittle bones to set myself free from other people's assumed judgements and not what my Mum left me in amongst.
If you wish to skip this part, as I do get into the nitty gritty that may not interest all, then go to where it says in big bold letters ~~~ 'Back to now and progress' ~~~ just before the Champagne bottle photo, then scroll down now, as I am about to rid myself of some painful rubbish from my soul. All part of the process of finding out how I got in this mess or in my case why it has taken me so long to be able to do anything about it.
Till now.
Again, I repeat, it does help to find out why one got here, in order, to never get here ever again. Some or many may think this not necessary, but I assure you that each individuals path will vary and I know for me I need it out and out there as I am fully aware of how the past can be reshaped by opportunists who wish to not have the facts out there. When I die, I want my words out there and not twisted by namely my other older sister. Once I am gone, there is no way I can reply. This is to protect my children from any further fabrications of what was. It will be in black and white. Some may not fully understand and that is fine, as it is more for those naughty one's who misuse history to create and distortion the facts to be totally changed in the end with no way of being able to be verified. I have found out that 'certain truths' had been altered to make me look like the 'bad guy' and when you know you have done so much with love in your heart and appreciation received for others to believe toxic made up stories cut me to pieces.
This is my story of what took place. I will concentrate on the highlights for brevity sake.
Anyway, along with what was already in the house, these items from the Attic were the last of my boxes that held my items from my hurried move back in 2008. A move that I could only manage after Mum passed away and during the time my big sister, Sylvia, was fighting an aggressive cancer that came on with a vengeance not long after our Mum passed.
To suffer loss after loss after loss, sadly after one too many losses of your loved one's, took it's toll on me and I just fell apart at the seams. I tried so hard to keep myself together. These last boxes and my reflecting back brought what happened all back. I no longer want these feelings to rule me as I still have some more sort and purge to go and knew I would not cope if these feelings kept on overpowering me.
Even though, back when we found out how ill our Mum was, my big sister had trouble coming to terms with Mum's death, she still ended up placing the blame onto me, as you do when you are hurting and you use the one's you love as a place to vent and due to this she became distant and angry towards me for a while, of which the other sister noticed and took advantage of and hooked in. Instead of trying to comfort our older sister, she instead badgering her to contest our Mum's Will, which the older sister did consider at first, but did not follow through as much of what was in Mum's Will was suggested by herself in the first place! The unhappy sister never knew this to my knowledge. As Mum was adjusting the Will, I said no to much of what my older sister wanted me to get, even though that was overlooked entirely later on. My older sister initiated a long discussion 2 days prior to her passing about that which will unfold as I unload.
As for me, I had not realised the cancer was to blame for my older sisters sudden changed attitude and outlook, which started during our Mum's palliative months. Whether I had been aware or not, I still would have chosen to use up all my frequent flyer points to see my big sister regardless. I so wanted her to win this battle. I had been saving these points for a very long period that took many years I was going to be use these said points for two round the world business class tickets and was this close to having enough for those said 2 overseas tickets.
Never did get to do that trip, but what I got in return was far more precious and that was my big sister and our relationship back on track. My oldest big sis was worth every point.
Instead, without hesitation, I chose to use those points to see my ailing older sister who lived in another city. I was not in good health myself due to being worn out from looking after my children and Mum on my own, so driving was out of the question, apart from the fact my car was unreliable from all the years of running Mum around to all her appointments, medical and social and day to day life duties. But, as I said before, spending time with my much loved older sister was more important than any planned overseas trip ever could be.
A world without my big sister just seemed unbearable. And has proven to be sadder for not having her here. I don't cry as much any more, but, she is in my thoughts and heart every day.
She had been my protector when I was little as well as my lifelong closest friend. Our sisterly bond was more important to me and I was prepared to do whatever it took to help her win this horrible battle she had found herself fighting. On one of those first trips after she fell ill she announced she was thinking of contesting along with her younger sister. I told her that is her right and encouraged her to do what she felt right. She never did go through with it as she knew most of what was in her was what she told our Mum to do. She also did this to save her energy to fight her cancer battle as that was her main priority. Fight to live and love not to fight the one she loved.
PHOTO OF SISTERLY LOVE
I could not imagine life without you.
I went to see my older sister several times over the next 7 months before she lost her battle. The time we spent gave her the time to heal the anger and frustration she held over the last year and for us to find our way back to where we always had been. Together, closer than before our first and last ever big sis baby sis fight. That was how strong our bond was.
Still sisters in arms and fiercely protective of each other.
It also gave her time to resolve her feelings of the loss of our Mum and come to terms with what she had said about me and to me.
It was on what would turn out to be my last visit to her while she was alive that she said to she was running out of time to undo the harm/damage of what she had created towards me with her daughter in mind and was desperate to get things back on track. She so wanted to make amends. My older sister was sorry for what she had created and said so to me while we held hands while tears fell from our cheeks. I knew she had not meant to be so hurtful and only acted out from her grief and I was also aware her grief was used by our other sister. Her younger sister and my next in line older sister. How this sister made her older sister feel while in the depths of such a hard battle on her hands made me feel ill. Was her disdain of our Mum and myself worth it? Apparently so.
For me, her heartfelt apology was more than enough, as we were as close as any sisters could be we were now once again. That alone meant the world to me. Now, for us both, there was only love with no more bitterness between us. Such a pity her quest to mend the bridge from her daughter towards me she did not get to realise. I told her to trust in her love and parenting for all those years and that her daughter would one day heal her rift towards me that was spurred on and encourage by her other Aunty. This other sister of mine was only out to get me. She had since I was born. I had just never noticed till I was an adult her consistent spiteful potshots that she would shoot my way constantly. I cannot do anything about how this one sister felt about me, as I could not very well, unborn myself. But, this one sisters intent was hellbent to isolate me at all costs since our Mum's passing and if that meant twisting everything around, well, that she did. What baffled me back then and still now that everyone listened and threw me on the heap without any of them speaking to me directly.
With my big sis after we had our first ever fight that lasted for just a year made us stronger and love each other more.
Even when she was not happy with me after our Mum died she still would call not daily as before, but often to speak. Our bond was that strong. Even through that time her calling me, I knew deep down she loved me and that we would find our way one day.
We did. We just ran out of time as she said those last few days.
I was glad for her that she did not pass with bitterness in her heart and that she again trusted in my love for her.
I cherish every second and every heartfelt beating moment I had with her. I still cry. Boy, do I cry.
Maybe one day I will cry a little less.
However, the memories are more about our hilarious times and special moments, which I hold dearly and will never forget our sisterly love and the bucket loads of laughter we had and that unspoken support. I remember so many moments, but most of all her love of affirmations and positive mantra's. Her love of all creatures great and small. Her love of teaching. She was filled to the brim with love and being loved. She would have been all over this social media with her healing and astrology with her own page or page's and would have had many many followers.
Of this I am sure.
She would have shared so many and created even more in her inimitable quirky style. Wish she had had that chance.
I was unaware at the time, but am now, that the other sister of mine while trying to coerce our older sister to contest, also, apparently solicited help of another to spy on me to find out information from me to pass back to her. This person was supposedly my longtime friend, whom I trusted and had no reason to suspect would ever betray me in such a hideous way. This friend of mine was aware as to the history of what this other sister was like and had done and had no connection with her whatsoever over the previous many decades. So I gather they assumed I would not twig in light of my being all over the shop in many ways and would remain unaware. This at that time so I thought friend of mine, I had introduced to my older sister decades before and they developed a long lasting friendship as well from then on as they lived in the same city. I loved that when those things happen. More the merrier. Little did I know this friend as she got older got more darker.
This friend never had anything to do with our other sister. Ever. Till then. So for her to choose to be in cahoots with this other sister all of a sudden behind my back was totally out of the norm to say the least. I suspect my older sister may had a hand in that, but I have no way of knowing for sure and is no longer important to me, as I have accepted my older sisters apology and forgiven her with all my heart. Even though I suspect my older sister encouraged this trio in her last year of life, I am positive my older sister would now be turning in her grave due to how this life long friend treated me hours within her passing along what she said my other sister told her to tell me. This friend turned on me like a viper. No one around to witness either. It would only be just her word against mine.
My older sister was bereft at what she had done. I knew this. It was so unlike my older sister to be toxic or bitter. That truly was against her nature. Just goes to show that all of us can be vulnerable depending on the set of circumstances. This toxic behaviour was the other sisters usual attitude. Due to having just losing her Mum and shortly thereafter facing the fight of her life my trusted older sister lost the plot and evil took her over in the form of our other sister and now this supposed friend, both now proving to be evil personified. I understood that my trusted sister lashed out at me. But, she regretted every bit of it and tried so hard to undo this horror and pain she caused me before she died.
She never did get her wish and to this day her daughter has not had a change of heart. Has too much time gone by. Is it ever too late? I hold onto hope, but, must admit as time slips by that glimmer of hope is waning.
My older sister said she regretted opening Pandora's Box by letting this other sister in. These were her words not mine. Pandora's Box and the evil within creating harm and pain towards her intended victim. It may appear this vixen sister of mine got her way. But, has she. My niece, I feel in my heart would still be hurting and no more at peace than when this all started. In order for her to have peace, it will take her to make peace with me as her Mum asked of her to do with all her heart. Just wish she would come to that realisation before it is too late for her sake. This would heal my niece. I am being presumptive here. All I can say is, I feel this in my heart and that in my dreams my big sis has told me so. My connection to my big sis really was that special. I will try not to lose hope and be open to any possibility.
I knew my older sister very well and she was remorseful when she witnessed how I was treated, especially by her daughter towards me. This upset her to no end and I allayed her fears by making her realise she had to trust all that parenting she had done will have sunk in and that I would do my best to not to get any further alienated from her as best I could, as my niece/Goddaughter was very headstrong. It saddens me to no end that we are still relatively estranged.
My sister's last wish was she wanted me to be part of her daughters life and could see that was going to be compromised while the other sister whispered bitterness about me in her daughters ear. Her Mother's instinct also felt that this would help her daughter not to live in continued sadness. All I can do is patiently wait. I just hope I last that long. That is how stubborn I know she is. I also know what a soft and easily crushed heart she has, no matter how stubborn she can be.
Some memes I have found that mean something to me, or remind me of my beloved big sis or just like for whatever reason and those I know my big sis would have loved also. I have overindulged a tad. Hope you give me a little latitude for doing so.
The moment I was told my big sis had passed away only hours before and then the loss of this person whom I had trusted nearly all my life was shattered.
This life long friend may have ended up in cahoots with my other sister, but, none the less whether she knew it or not, was a pawn my other sister used to get her way to coerce our older sister to do her bidding. It did not work out as she had hoped, but that did not stop her either. Now what business was it of this life long friend to interfere and wreck with another family I will never get, but she chose to and for that I frankly find monstrous and inexcusable. Who does that to another family just for laughs? Let alone take delight in having a hand in it's demise. I just don't get that kind of meanness or joy in hurting others as entertainment. And it was done as sport that's for sure. I had been shown glimmers of this side of her before and had not taken note. It was there all along. I just had not seen it.
Just knowing that this friend had all along been reporting back everything I had said in confidence over the last 7 months between us in my time of sorrow to this other sister gave that friendship a massive blow. I do remember not divulging all to this life long friend when she called me under the guise of 'caring about me and how cruel it was to be treated like this by this other sister of mine' to then enquire with all sorts of weird questions, that made my inner gut tell me not to, but I did spill my guts at how bereft I was at the thought of losing my beautiful older sister. For some reason I did listen to my gut and never really fully revealed all to this life long friend of mine. I did not censor what I had said to this life long friend, but instead said less by omission. I suppose what I am saying is, follow your gut. Those twinges may save you a whole load of future misery one day. And what a two faced person she was. The levels she stooped to were astounding. All the little things over the last months began to make sense. Why she was there so I was never alone. It was only when she had to that I got to spend time with my big sis on our own. Her deception in league with my other sister was profound.
What stings the most is only two days before my older sister died, this life long friend sat opposite me in my older sisters back courtyard, looked at me and promised of her own free will and unsolicited as I weep silently, that she would be there for me as a surrogate sister when the time came. At that time I remember looking up to her and feeling so grateful for her love, support and friendship. But, I was also numb to my core and could not think about what she had said. It was the morning after my big sis passed that upon coldly telling me she had passed a few hours earlier that it dawned on my what has been taking place all these months. The weight of all those daggers began to dig in. Each and every one of them. Those words came back to me ten fold not many days later ringing falsely in my heart. Trouble is, as disappointed as I was, it was she who let herself down. Thank heavens that I had not completely revealed myself to her and listened to my inner voice that said self protect. I went from a few family isolating me, to losing my friend and now the betrayal of this supposed friend who turned out to be a person of the cowardly kind. It was at this moment slammed with both the loss of my much beloved big sis and the betrayal done by a supposed trusted friend in cahoots with my other older sis that I began to walk through layers of never ending fog. It has taken some time to find my way to the light.
At that time, the reason why I was not at her place when she was taken urgently to hospital later that evening, that I had no idea. As that day went to visit another friend and stayed overnight. It was only at my big sister's insistence that I should go see my other friend for a night. I was coming back the next day anyway. I reluctantly went with her blessing using her car again at her insistence and permission. It was upon returning the next morning that this life long friend informed me that my older sister had been rushed to hospital the night prior and died during the night. No one let me know she had been taken to hospital, nor was I called after she passed away. Not my niece and not this supposed friend.
I was completely desolate the moment this person began to tell me in a perfunctory cold manner that all the pennies began to drop. I wanted to hit this woman. I wanted to yell and scream at their hateful being. Instead I ran into my big sisters bedroom, closed the door and lay in her bed sobbing. While sobbing this vile person then starts with the dictate from my other sis. Like, excuse me, who are you to tell me what to do. How dare you. I was told I was not to call anyone. I was told I was not allowed. I rang a few regardless. I believe to this day this is when my other sister began the vendetta to seed hate towards me in the handful of family. She used this to spin hate via lies and deceit. That is her baggage. Not much I can do about those who chose to listen and then joined her in isolating me. If it had not been for at least a dozen of my Mum's wonderful friends, I do believe I would have lost the plot. This is what freezing a person out can do. Nasty nasty business.
What truly saddens me is that not one checked in with me to chat. I would have and still gladly would sit with my other surviving sister and say it as it was. This would be my other sisters worst nightmare as then she would have to do her 'practised lie' in front of me. That's when one knows what is what. Get all together and see what pans out.
The reason I am purging all this here is, I am fully aware, that my other sister will reinvent her lies to suit when I pass, if I die first. Over my dead body will she get that opportunity. This is what she did to me and gleefully without any compunction nor care.
A cloak of gloom and despair came over me and felt as though I was going to pass out there and then as this shrew was dictating terms to me. I wished immediately that I had not left my big sis. But, she looked so wonderful that day. I was beating myself up inside my head and then it occurred to me that I had been not told at the time and just left to when I got back instead showed that they were hellbent on cruelly punishing me. And for what. For the animosity that my other sister had felt towards our Mum and me. I lost much that day. I also lost my way for a wee while. It was all too much to take. This multiple rolling tsunami of realisations hit me hard.
When the penny dropped when this life long friend said that I was not to call anyone in my family as the other sister was going to do that! My brain exploded.
What in hell was going on? Was I in the twilight zone? Was I dreaming this hellish nightmare?
I was being completely shut down by my other sister via this life long supposed trusted friend. This life long friend showed her true self and her hand. So be it. I felt sick in the pit of my stomach and took all my capacity not to lung at her.
I was flabbergast and quite taken back momentarily how far this had gone. It was at that moment I fully got the picture that my other sister and this life long friend had conspired against me at some lengths over the last so many months and had been all along plotting, planning and conspiring this evil plan.
As for my life long friends promise of being a comforting caring surrogate sister she had just offered to be was definitely null and void. This sure did not feel like caring or friendly. Felt more like sabotage and treachery. I was beyond grief about my older sisters passing and then the onslaught from these two and my older sisters daughter and husband and my ex brother-in-law to be shunned and ignored on mass that took the bullying to a whole new level the minute my big sis died. It was more than I could bare.
I am writing this to gain perspective and hopefully healing to end the saga that held me back for so long. The passage of time is now distant enough for me to be able to address how these family members made me feel back then and hope to let it go in full or even in part.
I wish I had not given this other friend a small personal card prior to my big sis dying, with loving sentiments and my appreciation of her for being there for my older sister. I kept one card and gave her the other. The words I did not keep, but I remember saying how thankful I was and loved her. I also gave 2 such cards for my sister with words of love and encouragement to win this battle. I found these 3 cards the other day and the memory of that came flooding back. In a cleansing way. Not sure if you have seen these purse cards, but these were the 3 I chose back then. Am sure my niece would have seen these if this shrew friend had not tossed them beforehand. I will never know. I will add my big sis particularly love the one with the bare bums though. Made her smile and even laugh.
MILK CARDS
I know I will never get any sort of apology from any of them. I don't expect one either. I forgive them either way. I will never trust the shrew nor give her a moment more of my time hereafter. Not a jot.
In the following haze of the following days, I was never informed or asked or included in the most part. When it came time for the funeral I was basically left out. The church was packed to the brim and when it came time for those to come up and speak I made sure I got up and spoke from the heart about my older sisters heart and love inside her. It was important for me to do that for her.
I could see what was about to unfold before me by my supposed other sister and few family as well as my children and fell into a deep pit of grief as my whole world had just been swallowed up by these few hateful people that happened to be family and a long time trusted friend. How could this life long friend been a party to all this? The hurt and betrayal consumes you. There is no way I could ever understand this cold calculating behaviour. I had looked up to this person for so many years that I struggled to comprehend at first. But, after that moment, no more. That kind of mean-spiritedness is beyond anything I care to be around and had to cut ties completely emotionally. Life is to be shared with the loving and caring. Not what appeared to be a sport to toy with my feelings and essentially destroy a family. And for what? The other sister's attempts to make me acquiesce to her demands over a greater percentage in Mum's Will. It was Mum's Will with our big sis's input.
All this betrayal still got my other sister no where in the end. I did not fold and made Mum proud and honoured all her wishes. Her lawyer said to me she would be smiling down on me.
I felt used and abused as I replayed the words promised to me only a couple of days earlier by this life long friend. Little did I know at that time she had not meant a single word she had said and that she would end up letting me down the most. I expected as much from my other sister. But, never from this life long friend. She did not have to have said it at all, but she chose to. Goes to show how low she would go.
What does one do when this happens?
What happened with little wonder was, I fell into a heap for a some years. I had been confronted by such a layered cake of horror upon horror that this was the last straw that tossed me over the edge.
My, by now, other not so kind sister, in the past had done many unconscionable things to me and mainly towards Mum, that I wont go into, but to suffice to say, Mum had been right all along about what this daughter of hers would do. I am glad Mum counselled me as to the lengths this other sister would go to. Even so, it hit me like a ton of bricks and felt alone sitting in my older sister's what once felt like a safe haven that now overnight felt filled with toxic beings. There was no where to turn as I was in another city and very much alone in amongst these few. No solace. No comfort. And certainly no love.
sssssssss
My whole support system had now died with my older sister gone. Dad, Mum and now my dear ever gorgeous older big sister.
To be treated so badly as they had done, made me feel isolated and alone. Not a nice feeling at all. If it had not been for another friend of mine who lived in the same city as my older sister, I think I would have gone quite mad. Thank goodness for my ever wonderful caring friend. One's who are, who they say they are and stand tall and true.
Having no one nearby whom I could trust I did all that I could just to keep going as I was staying at that time in my older sister's home and was to fly back home in a day or two. I had to let go of the flight I had booked and reschedule another a week later. Fortunately, I had plenty of points, even though with any cancellations any points used were rendered useless. As I said earlier, she was worth every point.
In self protection I went quiet and allowed my other sister and crew to get away with treating me badly till my son arrived a day later. I let them believe I was clueless at this stage as I thought once my 11 year old son arrived they would temper their bad behaviour. How wrong was I. Once he arrived they didn't even take any notice of him and treated him the with the same contempt when he was next to me. This upset him to no end and was surprised at how they were treating us. He remembers it still to this day. That is how bad it got. I felt so ashamed of them all.
The one thing my niece did not do and that was to refuse me access and use of my big sis's car. Now that was the only escape my son and I had. I loved my big sis even more for having given me explicit permission and use of her car.
Before my daughter flew overseas, I arranged for her to fly to see her Aunt before she left. It was on this visit that my older sister said to her she was so happy that she was going on this long trip and if anything was to happen she did not want her to fly back. As it happened my older sister passed away on a week or so into this overseas trip. My daughter did honour her Aunts wishes, but it devastated her and the trip was never the same after that. When my daughter got back we flew up to see her Aunts grave in order for her to start her grieving process. However, not coming back for the funeral ended up being the worst thing for my daughter and now wishes she had come home and been with us.
I say this again as I am still coming to terms with what others did to us back then. Cruel and calculating and mean spirited to the maximum. Over time I have found out certain snippets and pieced them together that revealed many things as to the plotting that had taken place. In order to heal from the abuse we suffered post the loss of both Mum and my older sister, I now understand, my two children and I not only suffered grief, but trauma from the abuse that was beset upon us, due to my other sisters irrational perceived childhood perceived twisted around stories.
First, nought I cannot do anything about that as I was being born much later. My other sister holds the classic grudge against the youngest that took her place as the baby, me. Trust me, being the baby sis to her was no picnic either. Another detail came forth a few years back that I may elaborate about further down.
Being isolated on mass and shunned is a powerful passive aggressive way to mess with one's head space you wish to crush. This form of bullying is effective and insidious. Torture comes to mind and at first you are not sure if after it has been done to you that it happened at all. You begin to question yourself. Did that really just happen? Then you see your two children suffer under such vindictive behaviour by your family that you know you had not imagined it.
This is why it took me so long to recover. I was deep in denial. No longer. Their behaviour and actions is theirs and theirs alone. Whether those that were a party to this ever realise how hateful they were being is no longer the issue for me. The next part for me is to come to terms with those who knew me better, but chose to stand aside and allow it to happen and say, 'nothing'. Reminds me of the following quote ~
And, boy oh boy, did evil flourish fanned with daily creative dousing's provided by my other sister.
Nought I could do about it back then other than to try my hardest to keep going. If it had not been for my Mum's posse of girlfriends as I stated earlier, I would have been sunk. There were at least a dozen back then. All, loving. All, knew the 'true and real' other sister's behaviour towards Mum and myself. They hugged me and nurtured me through the torrid waters. All, but two are left now. I love them all dearly and thank them for their empathy, their compassion, their wisdom and their tenacity and take no prisoners attitude. One even wanted to go and give this not so kind sister a paddle on her backside for being ever so 'naughty' and for dishonouring her Mum in such a cruel cold calculating way. Ah, if it had not been for Mum's Gang of Gal Pals, I sure do not know if I would have survived. They saved me when those few of my blood family chose to do their worst.
Survive. Hell, yeah.
When my son arrived I was so happy to see him. It was a living hell trying to deal with the taunts and glares. They didn't get much better after that, but at least we had each other. No one, but no one should be treated this way. Here we were in my older sisters home where once we felt safe and overnight made to feel like lepers. And for what?
The what, was, me standing up to my other sister and not bending to her despicable demands. My son was distraught. He was sick with loss for his favourite Aunt dying not long after his much loved Grandmum and now being treated shabbily by people who were family was too much for him. His faith in all of them was smashed. He was still a child, but even he could feel their steely coldness. My then explanation back then was people hurt in different ways. As I stated before, he has not forgotten how he was made to feel. Like a sack of potatoes. Nothing. Invisible.
By then, both my son and I were being shunned by my other sisters immediate family and anyone they had gotten to with whatever story they were told and we were isolated and ignored. We just did not exist. Such a very effective form of making one feel worthless. All I could do was for both of us to just get through one day at a time, along with calls from my daughter who was overseas and not coping.
From the moment our older sister passed away my other sister set about to make my life a living hell, which spilled over to my children. Not sure if she ever gave that side of things much thought. It was a wonder how I held on to honour our Mum's wishes 100%. If nothing else, I did get it done to the last letter in full for Mum. In this situation, everyone in this family lost due to my other sisters actions. Mum and Dad did not have much and I have no idea what fortunes she thought they had. Due to her treating Mum so badly for over 40 odd years and shoving the invisible knife into her back at every opportunity, especially when she was in palliative, Mum could take no more and set about to teach her one last lesson, taking into account our older sisters suggestions. This other sister still got plenty even with Mum's subtle message to her. But, this other sister wanted more. Mum warned me she would do this and apologised to me in advance as to what I was about to have done to me. Mum was spot on in every detail of what this one would do that I was in awe of Mum's insights. By now my children and myself were being made out to be some sort of evil people because this other sister did not succeed in blackmailing me to acquiesce to her demands.
I just hope and pray one day my other sister will come to the realisation that she won nothing. That she has lost more than she can ever gained. This is what I am sad about. Again, nought that I can do about it, There is no right. Just reckless pain and hurt caused. I suspect that my being out of the picture suits my other sister perfectly. I can only half imagine if my niece made an effort to patch things up with me. I am positive there would be hell to pay or one very 'not happy Jan' as the advert goes with my other sister in mind.
I still think about my niece mainly, but I don't dwell, as I try to no longer live under the weight of my other sisters concocted mean spirited words about me, from the time when I was growing up with her, to being her bridesmaid and later on the events from around a year or so before our older sister passed away. I still get chills remembering my other sister say to me in a cold seething manner, 'Mum's dead now. You can change it. You can do what you like' to then proceed to tell me what I should change. Oh how Mum would have been looking down on her right at that moment. I could feel a smiting as those words came out of her mouth. I am usually not tongue tied or short for words, but I was when my other sister said that as our Mum had predicted what she said after her death.
To me, I promised Mum when she asked me not long before she died, that I would uphold her Will to the letter. And I honoured her wish as you know by now.
Mum prepared me for this onslaught. She knew what this one would do and this other sister did not disappoint. It was almost as if Mum was in the room with us. She did everything and then some exactly what Mum predicted. It was uncanny. As my sister spewed out her vile reasoning, I could not help, but smile. I was smiling due to how spot on Mum had been and my new found respect for my Mum right at that moment. Unfortunately, my other sister got infuriated by my smile. I did say to her near the end of that particular encounter why I was smiling. Her face said it all.
Mum loved her, but she was constantly being let down or ignored months on end by this one daughter time and time again. I asked Mum why she made me the Executor and not the older sister. She explained that I was and would be the only one capable and strong enough to withstand what this one would do to get her own way. She knew I would not bend to blackmail of any kind. Reason, yes. Blackmail, never. Mum had me pegged as well. I asked her why she had not made the older sister and myself co-executors and the reply was, she knew that the older sister would bend and give in with in seconds to this other sister. And she would have going by what transpired after Mum died. Mum could see it all. It wasn't a prediction. It was how she saw it all unfolding. And did her level best to stop this from happening or at least lessen the impact.
Wish I had that same wisdom. I was too trusting. Due to all of the above there was no way I would not honour what Mum so fiercely fought for.
Unfortunately, no one seems to have considered that it was what our Mum wanted. That got lost on all. Fairly sure there are no surprises their for any that have gone through a Will and or Contesting of said Will. She got forgotten in amongst all this palava. I remembered, I honoured and I upheld her last dying wishes.
Strange how two of us got along like peas in a pod and were ever so close and even though she lived in another state we communicated daily if not a couple of times a day and the other was distant from both of us. I feel for my other sister as she missed out on knowing that sisterly love, bond and closeness. I suppose you cannot miss what you never sought in the first place.
I do hope, not expect, that those few who listened without thinking about who was there for Mum and who was not, will come to realise the fabrications that were told or eluded to. More than likely not, but, if I am one thing, that is I am an eternal optimist.
Doors can be shut and opened or slammed shut and locked forever.
Bridges can be burned, but they can also be repaired and rebuilt again if the conditions are right.
None of us know what is around that corner.
Trouble is time is running out and some may be too late when they wake up, especially when you take into consideration that it only takes a split second for a golden opportunity to take that extended hand can disappear.
This is how easily a twisted truth, and untold truth, a fabrication or a little lie can change the landscape of any family. It really is not worth it in the end. Hold on tight and enjoy each other as no matter what there will always be sadness underneath those who made any split or division happen. No good truly comes from doing no good. Period. As for my other sister who pretends to be all righteous and the victim in all this, she has a long way to fall perched on top of that lofty pedestal to fall. As she placed herself atop of so firmly.
It really is all about, Mr. Time. Time has a funny way of making things change, whether one likes it to or not.
I just hope and trust I will last long enough to see in which direction Mr. Time takes this fractured/divided family. Deeper waters or calmer or indifferent.
To me, I promised Mum when she asked me not long before she died, that I would uphold her Will to the letter. And I honoured her wish as you know by now.
Mum prepared me for this onslaught. She knew what this one would do and this other sister did not disappoint. It was almost as if Mum was in the room with us. She did everything and then some exactly what Mum predicted. It was uncanny. As my sister spewed out her vile reasoning, I could not help, but smile. I was smiling due to how spot on Mum had been and my new found respect for my Mum right at that moment. Unfortunately, my other sister got infuriated by my smile. I did say to her near the end of that particular encounter why I was smiling. Her face said it all.
Mum loved her, but she was constantly being let down or ignored months on end by this one daughter time and time again. I asked Mum why she made me the Executor and not the older sister. She explained that I was and would be the only one capable and strong enough to withstand what this one would do to get her own way. She knew I would not bend to blackmail of any kind. Reason, yes. Blackmail, never. Mum had me pegged as well. I asked her why she had not made the older sister and myself co-executors and the reply was, she knew that the older sister would bend and give in with in seconds to this other sister. And she would have going by what transpired after Mum died. Mum could see it all. It wasn't a prediction. It was how she saw it all unfolding. And did her level best to stop this from happening or at least lessen the impact.
Wish I had that same wisdom. I was too trusting. Due to all of the above there was no way I would not honour what Mum so fiercely fought for.
Unfortunately, no one seems to have considered that it was what our Mum wanted. That got lost on all. Fairly sure there are no surprises their for any that have gone through a Will and or Contesting of said Will. She got forgotten in amongst all this palava. I remembered, I honoured and I upheld her last dying wishes.
Strange how two of us got along like peas in a pod and were ever so close and even though she lived in another state we communicated daily if not a couple of times a day and the other was distant from both of us. I feel for my other sister as she missed out on knowing that sisterly love, bond and closeness. I suppose you cannot miss what you never sought in the first place.
I do hope, not expect, that those few who listened without thinking about who was there for Mum and who was not, will come to realise the fabrications that were told or eluded to. More than likely not, but, if I am one thing, that is I am an eternal optimist.
Doors can be shut and opened or slammed shut and locked forever.
Bridges can be burned, but they can also be repaired and rebuilt again if the conditions are right.
None of us know what is around that corner.
Trouble is time is running out and some may be too late when they wake up, especially when you take into consideration that it only takes a split second for a golden opportunity to take that extended hand can disappear.
This is how easily a twisted truth, and untold truth, a fabrication or a little lie can change the landscape of any family. It really is not worth it in the end. Hold on tight and enjoy each other as no matter what there will always be sadness underneath those who made any split or division happen. No good truly comes from doing no good. Period. As for my other sister who pretends to be all righteous and the victim in all this, she has a long way to fall perched on top of that lofty pedestal to fall. As she placed herself atop of so firmly.
It really is all about, Mr. Time. Time has a funny way of making things change, whether one likes it to or not.
I just hope and trust I will last long enough to see in which direction Mr. Time takes this fractured/divided family. Deeper waters or calmer or indifferent.
As for me, what I found out since, helps me fathom why this other sister was so negative towards me ever since I can remember, well since I was born.
It so happened that this other sister's sister-in-law wrote me a comment via another blog I write that was rather revealing and had her facts all wrong, of course, of which she was not privy to what actually happened. Most interesting indeed.
I had the chance to travel with my family, including Mum, to our parents mother country when I was 19 and apparently it was assumed by this sister-in-law, whom I had known since I was a child, that Mum paid my air fares and passage all those years ago. All three of us were asked to go with her on this trip and I was the only one who did. I must say I am thankful for my other sister's sister-in-law for her comment as it filled in some long time unanswered gaps for me. Truth be known, I paid my own way in full. However, my other sister never enquired with me and for whatever reasons assumed. Facts just didn't seem to matter. They would get in the way. Better to assume and we all know how that ends. She must have told all and sundry going by this sister-in-law's kafkaesque attempt to taunt me.
Thinking about it, as this was something that took place well over 40 years ago that my other sister apparently has held onto to justify her seething resentment towards me! Now she is one firm long-term grudge holder.
I did not bother to attempt to correct the record of this ill-informed assumption as it would only fall on deaf ears. All this told me was that my other sister had found ways to validate her irrational resentment towards me. Had she not felt this way, maybe we all could have had a close sisterly bond. Even a semi-detached one would have been more desirable than this.
I never really understood her resentment to me. It always baffled me. I gave up trying well into my adult years of trying to get along with her as there was never any pleasing her. I was always civil, but never a push over. This other sister whinged and complained constantly. But, then again, did nothing about what she whined about either.
Our older sister and I did try some years back, before the turn of the century, to open a door for peace and harmony between us, but this other sister blew us both off and ignored our efforts saying things like what a load of shit. After this both of us were ignored by her for some time. A habit of hers I was to recognise and experience more fiercely later on. If you asked her now about that, I am fairly confident she would deny it ever took place. When certain parties die, others find opportunity to deny or reinvent themselves as the dead cannot speak for themselves and usually have no one able to advocate on their behalf or state otherwise. However, I do remember and am here still breathing and will advocate on my behalf as well as my dearly loved older sisters.
The trouble is and most likely the most annoying thing for this other sister is she cannot hide who she is to me. I am the only one who seems to have ever been able to get under her skin. She is always cool, calm and collected. With me, she unravels into a seething pit of inward rage and loses her cool. Reason being, I wont let her get away with her fabrications. I was there. I saw first hand what took place. I was on the receiving end first hand also. The horrors she did to Mum and then added me into the mix for good measure was absurd at best. I do believe that is why she saw the opportunity to make sure I was persona non grata.
While everything is as this other sister wants and does not want, then all will be nice and smooth sailing in her world. Woe betide any who may even start dialogue and wishes to reconnect with me and my children. Watch the feathers fly then. I have no doubt this other sister would go nuts. One that Mum predicted and would do to protect this adjusted artificial family version she built in order to become the matriarch.
As the saying goes, 'you cannot chose your family, but you can chose your friends'. I can certainly attest to that one.
The reason I am banging on about the past and my sole surviving sister is, it takes time to heal from being bullied on mass as I had been and still continue to be really, especially those you had put your faith and belief in that you thought with all your heart you could trust. I was back-stabbed so many times that I was hemmoraghing profusely, even though I didn't know it at the time.
I love how Mr. Time has a tendency to reveal all in the end no matter how hard the dust has been swept under the carpet. I have lost all, so nothing to lose. Time is allowing me to slowly heal and acknowledge now that this is my other sister's horror story and not mine. It is of her own doing and not mine. I was just born. After which, the vendetta and resentment started and escalated and grew more frenzied and stronger as I grew older. I can accept now that my other sister is a troubled soul and I suspect will never really wake up to know otherwise.
While I am out of the picture she will believe she holds all the cards whatever that is. As for me, as long as I and my children are being perpetually not acknowledged as no longer existing and ostracized by those under her control and influence, then that will suit her fine.
Understanding, is for me, very much part of having to letting my other sister go. She will always be related to me and nothing she has done can change that. But, I accept that there is no reasoning with one who just does not want the same. To appreciate family, warts and all. She can try to whitewash me from the family. But, never completely. This is my story from my side and my eyes, warts and all, that she cannot control.
Upshot in the end, is, forgive, but never forget.
It so happened that this other sister's sister-in-law wrote me a comment via another blog I write that was rather revealing and had her facts all wrong, of course, of which she was not privy to what actually happened. Most interesting indeed.
I had the chance to travel with my family, including Mum, to our parents mother country when I was 19 and apparently it was assumed by this sister-in-law, whom I had known since I was a child, that Mum paid my air fares and passage all those years ago. All three of us were asked to go with her on this trip and I was the only one who did. I must say I am thankful for my other sister's sister-in-law for her comment as it filled in some long time unanswered gaps for me. Truth be known, I paid my own way in full. However, my other sister never enquired with me and for whatever reasons assumed. Facts just didn't seem to matter. They would get in the way. Better to assume and we all know how that ends. She must have told all and sundry going by this sister-in-law's kafkaesque attempt to taunt me.
Thinking about it, as this was something that took place well over 40 years ago that my other sister apparently has held onto to justify her seething resentment towards me! Now she is one firm long-term grudge holder.
I did not bother to attempt to correct the record of this ill-informed assumption as it would only fall on deaf ears. All this told me was that my other sister had found ways to validate her irrational resentment towards me. Had she not felt this way, maybe we all could have had a close sisterly bond. Even a semi-detached one would have been more desirable than this.
I never really understood her resentment to me. It always baffled me. I gave up trying well into my adult years of trying to get along with her as there was never any pleasing her. I was always civil, but never a push over. This other sister whinged and complained constantly. But, then again, did nothing about what she whined about either.
Our older sister and I did try some years back, before the turn of the century, to open a door for peace and harmony between us, but this other sister blew us both off and ignored our efforts saying things like what a load of shit. After this both of us were ignored by her for some time. A habit of hers I was to recognise and experience more fiercely later on. If you asked her now about that, I am fairly confident she would deny it ever took place. When certain parties die, others find opportunity to deny or reinvent themselves as the dead cannot speak for themselves and usually have no one able to advocate on their behalf or state otherwise. However, I do remember and am here still breathing and will advocate on my behalf as well as my dearly loved older sisters.
The trouble is and most likely the most annoying thing for this other sister is she cannot hide who she is to me. I am the only one who seems to have ever been able to get under her skin. She is always cool, calm and collected. With me, she unravels into a seething pit of inward rage and loses her cool. Reason being, I wont let her get away with her fabrications. I was there. I saw first hand what took place. I was on the receiving end first hand also. The horrors she did to Mum and then added me into the mix for good measure was absurd at best. I do believe that is why she saw the opportunity to make sure I was persona non grata.
While everything is as this other sister wants and does not want, then all will be nice and smooth sailing in her world. Woe betide any who may even start dialogue and wishes to reconnect with me and my children. Watch the feathers fly then. I have no doubt this other sister would go nuts. One that Mum predicted and would do to protect this adjusted artificial family version she built in order to become the matriarch.
As the saying goes, 'you cannot chose your family, but you can chose your friends'. I can certainly attest to that one.
The reason I am banging on about the past and my sole surviving sister is, it takes time to heal from being bullied on mass as I had been and still continue to be really, especially those you had put your faith and belief in that you thought with all your heart you could trust. I was back-stabbed so many times that I was hemmoraghing profusely, even though I didn't know it at the time.
I love how Mr. Time has a tendency to reveal all in the end no matter how hard the dust has been swept under the carpet. I have lost all, so nothing to lose. Time is allowing me to slowly heal and acknowledge now that this is my other sister's horror story and not mine. It is of her own doing and not mine. I was just born. After which, the vendetta and resentment started and escalated and grew more frenzied and stronger as I grew older. I can accept now that my other sister is a troubled soul and I suspect will never really wake up to know otherwise.
While I am out of the picture she will believe she holds all the cards whatever that is. As for me, as long as I and my children are being perpetually not acknowledged as no longer existing and ostracized by those under her control and influence, then that will suit her fine.
Understanding, is for me, very much part of having to letting my other sister go. She will always be related to me and nothing she has done can change that. But, I accept that there is no reasoning with one who just does not want the same. To appreciate family, warts and all. She can try to whitewash me from the family. But, never completely. This is my story from my side and my eyes, warts and all, that she cannot control.
Upshot in the end, is, forgive, but never forget.
Apologies for straying off track from the subject matter at the heart of this blog being clutter, but it is all part of coming to terms with what happened to me over many years, mostly at a vulnerable time in my life that caused me to be in a constant and perpetual state of high anxiety and a world of hurt. And this silent treatment with so much resentment and animosity is one of the reasons that is at the very centre of how I got to this place and time. When one is pushed to the edge there is no hope left. And when there is no hope, well, I wont go there. It was these later smatterings of clarifications that came my way that shed light on many unanswered questions as to, 'why my other sister was hell bent on treating me and my children so callously and without any compunction', I do believe these snippets have given me enough insight as to what is behind my other sisters rationale. I have yet to discover why others who were in the know, just passively allowed it to go on without intervention or a word or interjection of any kind, for example of, "hey, settle down". If a dog was being kicked, I am sure action would have taken place. For me and my children. Nothing. By doing and saying nothing I believe those have convinced themselves they have done no harm. As for those that did not know. Well, now you know why and how the family of old has been put asunder.
Our older sister had many sayings to describe our situation over the years. One of her most favourite was, "The witch, the bitch and the glitch". I was horrified by this at first, but, such was her humour.
Now that I feel I have at least a greater understanding of my other sisters behaviour and attitude into her perspective, I can safely leave her to her own circus. I accept these issues have always been hers and hers alone and was never about me. Mum and I were just the kicking posts. I just happened to be the convenient younger punching bag being the baby and all. This other sister has some redeeming qualities, but her not so finer qualities far out-weighed them into insignificance. Not once did I feel good when in her company or after she married and left home. I was always viewed as an irritant.
Now that I feel I have at least a greater understanding of my other sisters behaviour and attitude into her perspective, I can safely leave her to her own circus. I accept these issues have always been hers and hers alone and was never about me. Mum and I were just the kicking posts. I just happened to be the convenient younger punching bag being the baby and all. This other sister has some redeeming qualities, but her not so finer qualities far out-weighed them into insignificance. Not once did I feel good when in her company or after she married and left home. I was always viewed as an irritant.
Mum and I were always the brunt of her wickedness for as long as I can remember and that was decades. I am at peace knowing those who mattered knew the true events (Mum's posse of gal pals and especially my children and my close friends) who cared about me was all that matters now. So this off topic side track is important as well as healthy for my well being to live a life enjoyed and not endured. Personal progress is being made in more ways than one and that is a good thing. A good thing indeed.
Hate like the kind my other sister harbours can be contagious and encourage others (mob mentality) to join in without taking into account the hurt and pain being caused. All I can do is forgive those who partook in the silent bullying treatment (with or without knowing) of myself and my son, those few days prior and post to my older sisters funeral as to the emotional stress it caused my 11 year old son at the time.
The law has a saying, 'Ignorance is no excuse'. The outcome was, harm was done to both my children.
Healing the wounds is important, as this layered mound of pain explains the multiple causes for the mess I found myself in. It has taken me ten years to get here and it will take as long as it takes to fully recover from the many traumas I experienced. My other sister is but one, but a fairly major one. But, she is not as important as she believes she is and has not succeeded in stopping me in my tracks.
When I am all done with the stuff, this long long journey will have been well worth baring my soul to regain my self worth after everything I have been put through will be worth it. This is my baggage that I am placing in a space that can no longer affect me for tomorrow is another day.
The law has a saying, 'Ignorance is no excuse'. The outcome was, harm was done to both my children.
Healing the wounds is important, as this layered mound of pain explains the multiple causes for the mess I found myself in. It has taken me ten years to get here and it will take as long as it takes to fully recover from the many traumas I experienced. My other sister is but one, but a fairly major one. But, she is not as important as she believes she is and has not succeeded in stopping me in my tracks.
When I am all done with the stuff, this long long journey will have been well worth baring my soul to regain my self worth after everything I have been put through will be worth it. This is my baggage that I am placing in a space that can no longer affect me for tomorrow is another day.
To those who read till now you now have a glimpse into how I got into this massive mess. Even though I am not out of the woods just yet with all the stuff, I can see some light up ahead. And am a lot further along with all the devastation my other sister tried to cause me. I have no regrets as I have learnt more about human nature as to those whom I can place my trust and faith in and about my own resilience. I still trust. Just more cautious. I am whom I am and so be it that I get done on the odd occasion. Better that than turn into a lord knows what. No matter how much my other sister tried to knock me down, thankfully, I did not let her get the better of me. I almost did. Almost does not count. I am grateful that I stayed true to myself and true to my promise to my beautiful Mum.
For that I am at peace.
At the end of the day laughter is the best medicine, apart from love and compassion. For now I will happily embrace as much laughter as I can have right now.
Back to now and my progress ~ !!!
(Written 1 August 2019 in honour of my big sister's 11th anniversary of her passing.)
Back then this was how far I got. Have my next entry almost finished with more of my journey and how I have coped this last year. Will publish shortly. What I have written a year ago now, I do hope helps anyone out there to maybe find what has affected them so badly to get into a mess. It only takes one domino of horror to push anyone over the brink. I am finally finding my way up and over my mountain. My hope is this helps you over yours.
Till then I bid you a goodnight.
Ciao for now
Anita
(Written 1 August 2019 in honour of my big sister's 11th anniversary of her passing.)
Back then this was how far I got. Have my next entry almost finished with more of my journey and how I have coped this last year. Will publish shortly. What I have written a year ago now, I do hope helps anyone out there to maybe find what has affected them so badly to get into a mess. It only takes one domino of horror to push anyone over the brink. I am finally finding my way up and over my mountain. My hope is this helps you over yours.
Till then I bid you a goodnight.
Ciao for now
Anita
